You're doing it wrong

I typed the word “Baby” into the Amazon.com book search and got 366,824 results. There’s a freakin’ book on everything. Sleeping, eating, pooping. Did I mention the book on pooping?

I’ve read 4 books on babies so far, which is roughly .001%. And yet, when I visited my friends, and new parents, The Spetts, I was doling out advice like Dr. Spock. The Star Trek character, not the baby doctor.

“Oh, you’re not dangling your son by his feet for two hours a day? It’s all the rage in Europe. Here Lori, let me help you with that breast feeding…” The Spetts took it in stride. Mostly by looking to Diana, who vigorously shook her head and made the “crazy” sign.

You see, I am the official “You’re doing it wrong” Police at the house. Where Diana raises our son 24 hours a day through hands on trail and error, I read books on baby raising, which gives me just enough knowledge to be a danger to myself.

My latest book is on healthy sleep habits. I’m convinced (because a book told me) that our son is drastically sleep deprived and this will result in him becoming a neurotic who obsesses over things like healthy sleep habits.

So every morning after reading 5 pages of my sleep habits book on my way to work, I call Diana to tell her what she did wrong the night before. “Diana, you need to be consoling him every time he moves his arm in his sleep…” Or, “Diana, you should be letting him cry for exactly 46 minutes a day. No more, no less.”

Since this is all over the phone, I can’t see her making the “crazy” sign.