Sunday, July 16, 2017

How To Get A Super Soaker

Last weekend we went to the lovely and hilarious wedding of Diana’s dad. He married a delightful woman named Sharon, who, upon first meeting Elijah and Luca, tried to give them toy guns as gifts. Even though they were confiscated by Diana, the gesture cemented Eli and Luca’s love and respect.

The service itself was a traditional Catholic Mass, with wedding vows inserted right after the sermon. Which, and this is not an exaggeration, included a section on the evils of pornography. Luca performed his duties as ring bearer with aplomb, and Eli declared, “I think I am done with church for a while.”

The reception was in a completely kick ass church gym a few miles away. There were trays of turkey and mashed potatoes and a cash bar, much to everyone’s surprise. However, a certain wine store owner came packing two cases of Champagne, which supplemented the $2 beers.

After several glasses of the good Champagne (yes, Diana brought secret Champagne for us), I was ready to dance. Despite the D.J.’s refusal to grant my request for hard core gangster rap, he got almost everyone out of their seats. Including Eli and Luca, who put on a blistering display of moves. Those after school hip-hop classes paid off.

Like any great D.J., ours knew the magical moment to switch from “The Macarena” to “Oh My Love My Darling” by The Righteous Brothers.

I rocked back and forth with Diana using my best junior high dance moves. Luca had vanished, probably to the haunted forest behind the building (more on that in a future post).

I turned to see Eli dancing with an older woman.

Somewhere in the shuffle between up and low tempo, someone’s mom asked Eli to dance. He had his hands at 10 and 2, and was taking serious instruction on how to slow dance. The mom told him how to move to the slow beat, how to look into someone’s eyes and when to try to grab a butt (not that last one).

I almost burst into tears. How many 10 year olds would do this? He didn’t have an ironic, “help me” face. He didn’t act like a jerk. He didn’t launch into a goofy robot dance. He just danced with an older lady and was cool about it.

When he got into earshot, Diana told him, “You can have any toy you want.”

Eli simply nodded, he knew the score and had made his calculations perfectly. And the next day was the recipient of a comically large Super Soaker water gun.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

First Funeral


Hi Gang!

I’m sorry it’s been a little while since I posted on HamannEggs. We had one of those crushing episodes in our family that makes it hard to write silly stories about the comings and goings of poop and pee.

My nephew passed away.

Yeah, that’s hard to read. Even harder to type. He was a beautiful little guy who had one of those smiles that occupied his entire face. He was the kind of baby who could be passed from loud relative to loud relative without breaking his adorable disposition. There was only one thing he loved more than being chased by his brother, and that was being held by his mom.

You can imagine the giant crater left behind by his loss.

Diana told the boys and they were able to process the information. They tended to look on the bright side, hoping Grandpa Ed would finally have something to do up in Heaven.

We wanted the boys to attend the funeral, but I got some nosy advice discouraging us from bringing them to something so sad. Children shouldn’t have to experience death. Children shouldn’t have to see people they love cry. Children might make an inappropriate noise during the service.

Luckily, Diana has never taken nosy advice about Elijah and Luca, so we drive to Iowa with clip on ties and the world’s wrinklest white dress shirts.

They did great at the service. They designated themselves official babysitters of their other cousin and added much needed levity. Elijah was really concerned about Diana and patted her arm when things got emotional.

Towards the end of the service, I noticed Luca was sitting a row behind us, intensely listening to the priest. He had the same look on his face when he’s trying to figure out what 7 times 3 equals. Luca loves rules and Catholicism could keep him occupied for years.

After the service, everyone stood on the front of the steps and released balloons into the air. Eli and Luca’s cousin said, “How will the balloons know how to get to Heaven?”

Here’s hoping my dad remembers how to change diapers up there.