Sunday, July 16, 2017

How To Get A Super Soaker



Last weekend we went to the lovely and hilarious wedding of Diana’s dad. He married a delightful woman named Sharon, who, upon first meeting Elijah and Luca, tried to give them toy guns as gifts. Even though they were confiscated by Diana, the gesture cemented Eli and Luca’s love and respect.

The service itself was a traditional Catholic Mass, with wedding vows inserted right after the sermon. Which, and this is not an exaggeration, included a section on the evils of pornography. Luca performed his duties as ring bearer with aplomb, and Eli declared, “I think I am done with church for a while.”

The reception was in a completely kick ass church gym a few miles away. There were trays of turkey and mashed potatoes and a cash bar, much to everyone’s surprise. However, a certain wine store owner came packing two cases of Champagne, which supplemented the $2 beers.

After several glasses of the good Champagne (yes, Diana brought secret Champagne for us), I was ready to dance. Despite the D.J.’s refusal to grant my request for hard core gangster rap, he got almost everyone out of their seats. Including Eli and Luca, who put on a blistering display of moves. Those after school hip-hop classes paid off.

Like any great D.J., ours knew the magical moment to switch from “The Macarena” to “Oh My Love My Darling” by The Righteous Brothers.

I rocked back and forth with Diana using my best junior high dance moves. Luca had vanished, probably to the haunted forest behind the building (more on that in a future post).

I turned to see Eli dancing with an older woman.

Somewhere in the shuffle between up and low tempo, someone’s mom asked Eli to dance. He had his hands at 10 and 2, and was taking serious instruction on how to slow dance. The mom told him how to move to the slow beat, how to look into someone’s eyes and when to try to grab a butt (not that last one).

I almost burst into tears. How many 10 year olds would do this? He didn’t have an ironic, “help me” face. He didn’t act like a jerk. He didn’t launch into a goofy robot dance. He just danced with an older lady and was cool about it.

When he got into earshot, Diana told him, “You can have any toy you want.”

Eli simply nodded, he knew the score and had made his calculations perfectly. And the next day was the recipient of a comically large Super Soaker water gun.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

First Funeral

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Hi Gang!

I’m sorry it’s been a little while since I posted on HamannEggs. We had one of those crushing episodes in our family that makes it hard to write silly stories about the comings and goings of poop and pee.

My nephew passed away.

Yeah, that’s hard to read. Even harder to type. He was a beautiful little guy who had one of those smiles that occupied his entire face. He was the kind of baby who could be passed from loud relative to loud relative without breaking his adorable disposition. There was only one thing he loved more than being chased by his brother, and that was being held by his mom.

You can imagine the giant crater left behind by his loss.

Diana told the boys and they were able to process the information. They tended to look on the bright side, hoping Grandpa Ed would finally have something to do up in Heaven.

We wanted the boys to attend the funeral, but I got some nosy advice discouraging us from bringing them to something so sad. Children shouldn’t have to experience death. Children shouldn’t have to see people they love cry. Children might make an inappropriate noise during the service.

Luckily, Diana has never taken nosy advice about Elijah and Luca, so we drive to Iowa with clip on ties and the world’s wrinklest white dress shirts.

They did great at the service. They designated themselves official babysitters of their other cousin and added much needed levity. Elijah was really concerned about Diana and patted her arm when things got emotional.

Towards the end of the service, I noticed Luca was sitting a row behind us, intensely listening to the priest. He had the same look on his face when he’s trying to figure out what 7 times 3 equals. Luca loves rules and Catholicism could keep him occupied for years.

After the service, everyone stood on the front of the steps and released balloons into the air. Eli and Luca’s cousin said, “How will the balloons know how to get to Heaven?”

Here’s hoping my dad remembers how to change diapers up there.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Father's Day 2017



Every year, the big Evanston street fair lands on Father’s Day weekend. I love that our town  throws a giant party filled with bird people, geriatric belly dancers and henna tattoo artists for all the dads. And we upper middle class dads came out in force, dressed in our definitely not cargo shorts, our best Star Wars shirts and Vans slip on shoes. The bravest among us dared to wear the straw hat from last year’s trip to Mexico.

Custer’s Fair (named after the street famous for no other reason than it’s where the fair is) runs right by Diana’s store, so she needs me to man the Wine Goddess booth. There is no better way to spend Father’s Day weekend than miscounting change and explaining over and over that no, there are no free samples like the fudge booth. I actually love it. I get a front row seat to a parade of people who seemed to be conceived from a mind meld of George Lucas and John Waters.

At the end of my shift, my brother arrived with Elijah and Luca. Steve had the look of someone who was spending his Father’s Day weekend watching his brother’s kids. Luca proudly asked me if I wanted to see the gift he just bought. I held out my hand, and in it he placed a “#1 Dad” button.

I made it. All that hard work. All the late nights. All the yelling finally paid off. Number one. I was the top dad in the world. I mean, they don’t just give out that button to anyone. I wonder if Luca needed to give some kind of presentation. Was there a committee? How did I beat out that dad who brings the baseball pitching machine to the park? There must have been some pretty dark stuff in his closet besides that pitching machine.

I ended Father’s Day with that most fatherly of activities: having a catch with the boys. Where I threw a baseball right into Luca’s groin. 

Thankfully, there are no give backs with #1 Dad pins.



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Pee Mystery


It’s been a while since we’ve had a good old fashioned poo and pee story at HamannEggs.

All of the apartments we lived in while I was a kid kind of run together. They all blend into a shag rug/bunk bed/fern clump. In my memory, the living rooms were all covered in cat barf and the bathrooms were all covered in pee. I vividly remember my mother shouting, “Don’t you even aim?” With three sons, she never stood a chance. 

Luckily for Diana, the boys are fairly decent shots around the toilet since they are short.

However, in the hours between 10pm and 7am, someone pees all over everything. Toilet, floor, sink, ceiling, neighbor’s house. It would be impressive if it was so disgusting.

Unlike my mother, who just succumbed to the squalor, Diana wants to find and punish the culprit. Elijah and Luca, who are in a phase where they must destroy each other, build elaborate legal cases against their foe.

“Eli always drinks too much water before bed.”

“Luca pees so angrily.”

“I heard Eli telling his friends the other day that he plans on peeing on the seat so you’ll sit in it at 2am. True story.”

The boys suggested putting a camera in the bathroom to catch the pee thief. I didn’t like the idea of my phone being covered in any other pee than my own.

Diana simply leaves the seat up now in the midnight hours so there is a slightly larger target for the boys. It seems to have held back a little of the flood.

The other morning, I was petting Grover in the wee early hours (Rick Time) when I heard a child’s door slam open. The child raced into the bathroom and whizzed over everything, and then raced back into his room. I could tell he was still deep in R.E.M. sleep. And must have been dreaming about the Skokie water park.

I didn’t have the heard to wake him up and chastise the boy. So I won’t reveal his identity now. I’ll just continue to encourage pre bedtime pees and maybe go buy a tarp.




Monday, May 22, 2017

The Concert Laugh


I played Baritone horn all through grade school and high school. I’m sure my parents went to quite a few of my performances, but in my edited memory, they never came to a single one. In the totally fictional version, I look out into the auditorium, only to find two empty chairs with “reserved” scrawled across in children’s handwriting.

Again, I’m sure parents went to a ton of band stuff, but my screwy memories give me plenty of anxiety over showing up to Elijah’s stuff.

Last week I raced home to attend Eli’s first band concert. A concert that had been rescheduled due to a kidney stone issue the music teacher was all too ready to describe in graphic detail in a recent note home.

Eli plays the French Horn. Well, a French Horn occupies space in our front room. I’ve never actually heard him play because he never, ever practices. The French Horn basically plays itself, as any maestro will tell you, so I wasn’t worried. Plus, it was 4th grade band, so I was already expecting a sonic horror show.

The Earth decided to be super hot that day (thanks Obama) and the school auditorium wasn’t air conditioned, so we decided to sit as high up in the balcony as we could. Just to make sure we captured all the heat.

Unlike the more austere audience on the main floor, the balcony took on a decidedly Jimmy Buffet vibe. Moms and Dads shouted down at their kids on stage. A lot of neighborhood gossip was loudly aired. I even brought out my rarely used “shush” for a couple loudmouths.

Things quieted down just as Diana snuck in from work to take her seat and the show began.

The music teacher (straight out of Central Casting) gave us a brief update on his kidneys and referred us to the Xeroxed programs. There were two groups: “Fourth Grade Band” and “Advanced.” Way to beat around the bush. Why not call the first group “Sucky at Band?”

Each group had about 10 songs. Group 1 was on first and the collective audience thought to themselves, “As soon as they are done I am OUT OF HERE.” But the band teacher, evil genius, informed is that we would be listening to 8 songs from “Fourth Grade Band,” then the ten “Advanced” songs and then back to “Fourth Grade Band.” Essentially trapping us into listening to all 20 songs. I couldn’t even be angry.

The concert sounded exactly how you’d think for 30 kids who had just picked up their instruments 3 months ago. But here and there you could pick out the melody of “Hot Cross Buns.”

As the music teacher raised his baton to begin another song, a student prematurely ejaculated a note from his trombone.

Diana burst out laughing. Now, Diana has a lovely laugh. Simply lovely. But it is a laugh that travels. And it bounced off every wall in the auditorium. I bugged my eyes out at her and mouthed, “Cut it out!”

But “Laughing In Church” disease struck Diana and tears began streaming down her face. Her body heaving with laugh spasms.

Luckily, her laughs were quickly drowned out by what I can only assume was “Hot Cross Buns” again.



Friday, May 12, 2017

Nerf


Last Saturday, Elijah stood before the Nerf gun arsenal at Target, clutching his newly acquired gift card.

“Dad. Do you think I will get in trouble if I buy a Nerf gun?”

“Yes. Yes you will.”

And that was that. Shortest Hamann Eggs story ever.

But the gears were already turning. Eli, the greatest 10 year old lawyer in the world, began to build a case for a Nerf. In January, Diana did allow the purchase of a Star Wars gun WITH PROJECTILES. On another occasion, Diana was heard to say that Nerf guns in the house were sadly “inevitable.” She also has never said “no” to this exact gun in his hand. Also, Nerf guns are totally cool. Just look at them.

I was at the point in every Target run where I needed to get out of there in a physical, chemical way.

I made a brief speech about consequences to one’s actions and he’d have to live with Diana’s wrath. I also told him the gun he was holding was junky and the one next to it was way cooler.

Eli loved his new symbol of horrifying violence. He asked if he could bring it to the movies (no) and to Andy’s Frozen Custard (maybe). He was so proud of it that he actually allowed Luca to touch it for three whole seconds.

When Diana got home, Eli wondered if he should just own up to the gun. However, Diana had a look that she gets when our president Tweets from the toilet. I advised him against it. Not the best parenting move, I’ll agree. But I was making risotto. Yes, that is the reason.

A couple nights ago, I was getting the boys ready for bed and asked Eli where his gun was. Like an assassin from a Bourne movie, Eli scurried around his room extracting the stock from his sock drawer, the scope from behind his bookshelf and the little foam bullets from under his bed.

Hmm. This didn’t feel right. If Eli was hiding toy gun parts now, what would he be hiding two years from now? Five years from now? I had visions of weed and porno stashed in the same drawers and bookshelves.

I said it was time for him to tell his mom. Honesty is the best policy. Plus, I didn’t think she’d be that mad.

I then slipped into Luca’s bed for be-withs. Luca sleepily debated who was a bigger Cubs fan, him or me. It was tough considering neither of us had seen a minute of a game this year.
Eli came in and buried his head under one of Luca’s pillows. He was hot from crying. Diana was not pleased with the gun news.

I told him I was sorry. I totally forgot Trump had fired the head of the FBI earlier in the day.





Sunday, May 7, 2017

Evil Dust Baby



Luca pounced on me as soon as I entered the house.

“Dad! Dad! I have something to show you! Come quick!”

We crossed the kitchen, pausing only to fight with Elijah about who was going to show me whatever was 12 feet away. I figured it was an ant cluster. Or a rat king. Or something else attracted to crumbs. Maybe a raccoon?

Nothing could have prepared me for the horrible beauty of Evil Dust Baby.

Evil Dust Baby’s origin story goes like this: Luca dropped a Darth Vader Lego behind his radiator. He and Schuyler poked around with a Harry Potter wand and out popped a pound of dust and a 4 inch tall baby doll. Schuyler, in a moment of perfect inspiration, named it “Evil Dust Baby.”

Covered in filth, the poor thing had received a one time haircut from its previous owner. I say “its” because there is some debate on EDB’s sex. Like all plastic babies, it doesn’t have genitals. I say that makes it a girl because there are no hanging bits. Luca says that just makes EDB a nothing. There was also some debate on Whether or not EDB was a baby at all. EDB has these magnificent gorilla feet that are clubbed and weird and include way more sculpting detail than its genitals.

Diana did some quick math and determined there has been no girl occupying our house for 20 years, so Evil Dusty Baby had to be from the early 1900s (don’t think too hard about it).

Luca was concerned Evil Dust Baby would reanimate in the middle of the night and kill us all. I was fairly sure of the same thing, but I assured him EDB was just a piece of plastic and there was no way it could become alive in the middle of the night.

That is, until I moved EDB. In some late night inspiration, I crept downstairs and moved Evil Dust Baby from the kitchen to our living room mantle. This evil Elf on a Shelf game was something I was prepared to continue until the boys went to college.

I congratulated myself all the way to the office and waited for the freak out phone call. Which never came.

I texted Diana a few times asking, “Have you seen Evil Dust Baby?” And, “I think I heard an evil baby crawling around in the middle of the night. Did you get murdered?”

No response.

That night, I came home demanding why no one was sufficiently freaked out by the reanimated evil baby. They just shrugged and went back to their screens.

The good news is Evil Dust Baby is still where I left him/her. Waiting to hatch his/her evil.