THE HAIR

 The threats had been coming for months. 

 

“I’m going to cut my hair.”

 

Haha right. Elijah Steven Hamann would never cut his hair. It’s his identity. It’s his superpower. The most repeated comment I get on Eli-related Instagram posts is “Hair Goals.”

 

Whenever Eli had trouble in school, or struck out at baseball or had a cold, we’d smile and say, “At least he still has his hair.”

 

But the threats continued. Maybe it was puberty or a need to have an identity not attached to his mane. Or maybe he has a significant other? I don’t know your guess is as good as mine. The kid spends all his time locked in his room, which is exactly what a 16 year old should be doing.

 

Then, one fateful night, the door swung open and in walked a short hair-ed Eli. He did it. 

 

Diana threw herself on the ground like a grieving 80 year old Italian woman. Why? Why?????? Why you take my baby’s hair? My poor baby’s hair. It’s a-gone.

 

The only problem? It kind of looks great. You know that show “The Bear?” About the Chicago beef stand? The show that prompted women all over the world to say “yes chef” in bed? Yeah, he looks like that.

 

He has impenetrable handsomeness.

 

Our plan now is to tell him how good he looks with short hair in the hopes our old friend Reverse Psychology will kick in. 

 

And also turn our attention to getting Luca to cut his fingernails.