A Very Seinfeld Bears Game

 

Luca timed it perfectly. Right after our second (third) glass of wine.

 

“We should go to a Bears game.”

 

Before Diana and I could slur a “yes” the tickets were purchased. An epic showdown between The Monsters of the Midway and, well, I forgot.

 

Seemed simple enough. Meet at game. Enjoy game. Go home. And thus began a cavalcade of Seinfeld-esc proportions.

 

First up? We could not find each other. With the full might of Apple and Verizon at our disposal, we circled Soldier Field like prize fighters. “I’m under a sign that says ‘Bears!’”

 

Eventually, we made it to security. Sorry ma’am, your purse is too big to enter the stadium. Purse too big? That’s a new one. Diana handled it pretty well, with just a eensy bit of Karen-nig as we were directed across the museum campus to The Field Museum, who were much better equipped to handle the juggernaut handbag Diana was smuggling Toyotas in.

 

At this point, I went into full Rick-Mode. “Guys. This is PART OF THE EXPERIIENCE. This is fun. We’re EXPERIENCING the game. All these hiccups? It’s the EXPERIENCE.” No one wanted to walk by me.

 

Whoop! We made it into the stadium. Luca, who is a Hamann through and through, bought the cheapest tickets in the building. Which meant walking up. Up. Up. Up. Twisting and turning past the rich people and the slightly less rich people. 

 

At one point we ran into a wall. The sections went 305, 307, 309…and then, bam. A wall. We asked an usher how to get to our seats and they explained the easiest way was to hire a helicopter to transport us to the other side of the stadium. 

 

We finally made it to our seats just in time to watch The Veteran’s Day performance of “Proud Mary.” It was…patriotic? Question Mark?

 

The good news? The Bears won! We had some delicious hot dogs and pretzels and I had a Blue Moon beer to remind me I don’t like Blue Moon beer. 

 

In fact, we had such a great time we decided it was so much fun that we never had to go back to a Bears game ever again.

 

p.s. I don’t have any pictures from the night, so here is Jerry looking like an idiot.