Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The Cad

I came home late last night and as Diana handed me my goblet of wine I said, “Did you read my hilarious HamannEggs entry today? Talk about funny…” Diana, the dutiful wife said in a robot voice, “Yes, honey. You are a very funny man.”

But then she reported some factual incorrectness in my once hilarious post. First off, the stuffed thing Elijah is in love with is a lion. Not a dog/cat/badger. OK, now that I look at it, I’ll concede the thing looks sorta lion-ish. Sorta. Also, it does have a name. Chester. My heart dropped. Chester? Really? As in, “The Molester?” As in, “Chester Cheetah?” I voiced my distaste for the name but Diana reminded me that my suggestion was “Ben.”

And at this point, she dropped a bomb on me. Elijah is two timing the lion! She said she caught him smooching Lulu the Lamb yesterday! He’s got an upstairs smooch partner and a downstairs smooch partner. I couldn’t decide whether to be proud or disgusted. It’s kind of brilliant. Because Lulu can’t physically leave the crib and Chester can’t climb stairs. As long as he doesn’t call one by the other’s name he’s golden. It’s like that Family Ties episode when Alex P. Keaton went to prom with two girls at once! Too obscure?

As I sat back and declared that you can’t go around looking like Elijah and not expect to have stuffed animals lining up for smooches, Diana told me that ELIJAH ALSO SMOOCHES HIS RUBBER DUCKIE!

Where does this kid get the energy?

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