First Swim

From time to time, I get suggestions on what to write about on HamannEggs. A lot from Diana in the form of, “…I never thought poo could travel all the way up his back…” Or from my mom, whose suggestions consist of, “I haven’t seen anything on the blog in six hours. Do you have writer’s block?”

This week, I got an email from my brother Steve. “Hey (swear word). Why didn’t you write about Elijah’s first swim? Did you leave your head up your (swear word)?”

He’s right. My head was up my swear word this week. I completely forgot Eli went to the swimming pool last weekend. Let me back up.

Eli was in the process of driving Diana around the bend. He was still adamant on not sleeping. And his shrieks were causing Diana to slowly bang her head against the fridge. So I suggested taking Eli on an adventure. To which Diana did a cartwheel.

My plan was to take him to the local mall, as it was a billion degrees below zero. I was going to stroller him from fast food joint to fast food joint to see if I could consume my weekly recommended calories in one sitting. I figured Steve would be into something so self destructive.

But when I called him, he 180-ed me by suggesting taking our boys to the gym for “Family Swim.” I looked down at the squirming, angry Eli and figured having him scream at the pool is just like having him scream at the mall. Except wetter.

So, I borrowed a pair of swimming diapers (basically diapers that don’t do anything but delay pee from entering the pool) from his cousin Finn. And Pan, Steve, Finn, Eli and I met my buddy Matt and his son Parker for some tepid baby pooling.

It was fantastic. Eli loved it. He looked like a little tadpole. He splashed. He kicked his little legs. He let Parker eat his foot. He kind of played ball with Finn.

And he worked himself out so hard that he slept without a fuss that night. Diana went out and bought Eli his own swimming trunks. So we’re gonna hit the gym again tomorrow. To work on our pecs.

*Dear mom. In the second paragraph I say that your son Steve uses swear words. That was for comic effect. Steve would never swear.