The War Is Over

I do not view parenting as a competition. I don’t look down my nose at dads whose three year olds don’t know their numbers or letters. I don’t cluck when I see dads at their wits end with tantrum throwing babies. But there was one thing I secretly thought I was better at than any other dad on the planet: not getting peed on.

Every time a dad would say, “I got soaked from ear to ear,” I’d frown and say, “Aw man, that sucks,” but inside I’d be saying, “I am still champion. You must bow down to me!” I prided myself on narrowly escaping a near constant barrage of pee over the Eli’s life. I’d even tell stories around the campfire about my exploits. “…I heard the pee go right past my ear…”

Well, Monday night it happened. The Sniper finally got the kill shot. And the worst part is it was my own fault.

Anticipating a pretty busy week at work, I rushed home Monday night. I caught the family just as they were setting up for bath time. Normally, this is a mommy Elijah routine. I normally see this is a chance to blog in the office or pretend to blog in the office while looking at bikini photos on the internet.

But Eli demanded I take a bath with him. He kept dragging me towards the tub while repeating, “Come ON, dada. Come ON, dada.”

Once we got in the tub I realized why my presence was requested. The night before, I invented a game called “Where’s Ducky?” I’d place Eli’s rubber ducky on the top of my head and say, “Where’s Ducky?” Eli would then try to convince me it was on my head and I’d pretend I had no idea what he was talking about. Eventually Ducky would fall off or Eli would knock it off and I’d scream in surprise. And Eli would laugh his head off.

Monday night I added a new element to the game. When Ducky dropped into the tub from my head I’d grab it and attack Eli, tickling him. After the tenth or eleventh time attacking him, Eli retaliated in the only way he knew how. He grabbed his wiener and whizzed all over me.

I recoiled in horror and shouted, “No!” over and over. But the damage was done. My reign of non-pee ended in a blaze of urine.