The Flu

Elijah steadily got grosser and grosser last week, so Diana took him back to the doctor. After donning her ancient ceremonial mask, shaking a bone rattle and observing the position of several chicken bones at the bottom of a clay bowl, the doc pronounced Eli the proud parent of a Flu bug. When Diana shakily asked if he had the pandemic flu, the doc said it doesn’t really matter which kind of flu he had and if we really wanted to know for purposes of being interviewed on The Today Show, she could test him using a very uncomfortably long Q-Tip inserted deep into his nose. Diana passed.

I immediately asked how this would affect me. Specifically, would the Flu prohibit me from attending my brother Noah’s wedding? Unlike both Eli and Diana, who were full-blown Flu cases, she said I could still attend so long as I didn’t feel any Flu symptoms. I chalked up everything I was currently feeling to a low-grade hangover and hitched a ride with my other brother Steve’s family

You may be asking, “Wouldn’t you be exposing Steve’s two small children to Flu germs riding to the wedding with them?” To which I say, “Mind your own business.”

Since this is an Eli blog and not a Noah and Kira wedding blog, I won’t go into much about the wedding except to say it was completely kick ass and my Dad managed to give a shout out to HamannEggs in his speech. Your check is in the mail, Dad.

On the way back this morning, while feeling a little…ahem…flu-ish, I worried about the state of affairs back at the house. From my numerous calls home, I got reports of a deteriorating scene, where mommies and babies were competing to see who could be sicker. The winner got to infect me.

I imaged two scenarios. In the first, I’d arrive home to find our home in one of those huge quarantine bubbles like at the end of “E.T.” I’d have to fight my way through a sea of government agents only to discover Di and Eli strapped to gurneys and groaning “I’ll be right here” to each other.

In the other scenario, I’d find a completely darkened home, shades drawn, spooky music playing. Lots of velvet drapes. I’d stumble upstairs to fine Di and Eli sleeping soundly in his and hers coffins, having both turned into vampires. Not from the flu, but because Diana had read “Twilight” once too many times.

But, when I arrived home, they were both thankfully on the mend. Eli even asked to go outside instead of watching Sesame Street for the 48th straight hour. That said, I am still planning on wearing rubber gloves when touching either Di or Eli. For fashion, of course.

p.s. I have no idea how he got from Croup to Flu. Just lucky, I guess.