M&Ms

There has been a real lack of potty training stories here at HamannEggs. Know why? Because we quit. It was a failure. An utter failure. What was once a boy who couldn’t wait to try pee pee-ing on the potty turned into a boy whose only interaction with the potty was using it as a hat. And his recent adoption of the word “no” means we no longer even have to ask him if he wants to go.

I was fine with the prospect of him wearing a diaper the rest of his life. It would almost guarantee he married someone who really loved him. And think about the time he’d save at taverns.

CUT to this morning. I answered my phone at the office and heard my lovely wife on the line.

“Elijah, tell your dada what you just did!”

“Huh?”

I’ll spare you the back and forth, but Eli miraculously peed on the potty. Baffled, I asked how she did it. She did it the Chicago way: Bribing.

I guess she sat Eli down and explained a new game. Every time he sits on the potty, he gets one M&M. Every time he makes something foul in the potty, he gets 2 M&Ms. I had a few questions:

1) Since Eli doesn’t know anything about refined sugar, how did he know the value of M&Ms?
2) Why doesn’t he just sit on the potty twice as much without peeing to get the 2 M&M reward?
3) Where does Diana hide the M&Ms so I can steal them late night?
4) Does he get a peanut M&M for going doo doo?

Apparently the bribes worked because the child has been asking for M&Ms all day while yanking down his trousers.

Now this is a prospect I can see him adopting for the rest of his life. In my mind’s eye, I see him standing at the urinals next to the CEO of his future company and exclaiming, “I get two M&Ms!”