Smash

Poor, poor Luca. Being the smallest being in our house has its disadvantages. Mainly, getting knocked on your ass 50 times a day.

I can see past the Grover body checks. First off, he’s a dog and doesn’t have the brain capacity to understand the physics of 25lb baby + 75lb dog going 30mph. To add insult to injury, Grover’s tail is at perfect height to whack Luca in the eyeball whenever that giant mop goes swish swish swishing around.

Elijah is a little more diabolical. He takes great delight in knocking Luca to the ground. But he is smart enough to do it when his easily angered parents are not in the room. We’ll typically come running to the sound of Luca howling and find Eli standing over his crumpled body. When an explanation is demanded, his reply is always, “I don’t know what happened. He just…fell.”

And then it’s off to the stairs for a time out.

Luca is constantly covered with bumps and bruises and scars. It’s a good thing he has a short memory or else I’m sure he’d refuse to leave his crib.

This is usually the part where I regale you with a story about how I did the very thing I described in the first half of the blog.

On Saturday, Diana was out watching a movie. I think it was called “Get Me The Heck Away From These Children.” I was in the bathroom making a number one. Luca was standing in the doorway watching me with great interest and giving his usual commentary.

“Pee pee.”

I finished and in all likelihood washed my hands. I swung the door and it wouldn’t close all the way. “Hmmm,” I thought, “This door usually closes with a pleasing slam sound.” So I swung the door again. And again.

Then I looked down.

Luca was standing just below me. With his fingers in the door jamb. I was doing my best to sever his fingers off at the knuckles. The reason I couldn’t hear him was he was engaged in a silent scream.

Bad dad, Bad dad. I scooped him up and tried to soothe his now very vocal screams. Thankfully, his fingers were still attached, but they had huge gouges in each and every one.

Grover and Elijah looked at me like I was a monster.