Pigeon

Allow me to let you peek underneath the covers of Diana and my marital bed. 5…4…3…2…1. There. Are you done with the sex jokes? Great. I’m talking about sleeping.

There are few things Diana thinks are funnier than the way I sleep. My sleep position, according to her, is a combination of an olympic luger and a vampire. I lay on my back, with my arms crossed over my chest. But what really gets her giggling is I also turn my feet towards each other and lay one foot on top of the other.

At least I don’t wear clown pants and socks to bed like a certain wife I know.

Anyway, the reason I sleep in that position is I’m pigeon toed. My feet have always turned inward. A quick internet search reveals that both Babe Ruth and Keanu Reeves were/are pigeon toed. Which means being pigeon toed is awesome.

We can add another celebrity to the list: Luca Hamann.

Diana and I were watching him stumble around the basement, trying to avoid being body checked by either Grover or Elijah when Diana said, “I think Luca is pigeon toed.”

I detected more than a little disappointment in her voice. I said, pointing at my own delightfully birdy feet, “Um. I think what you are trying to say is, ‘Isn’t it great that Luca is pigeon toed?’.”

Wait. Hold on. After finding my Ruth and Reeves internet references, I went a couple more entries down the list and found this disturbing piece of information:

“This problem usually gets better as the baby starts pulling up to stand and walk. It may take another 6 to 12 months to completely go away.”

Problem? Go away?

Luca don’t go to the other side. Stay with me. Being a pigeon is awesome. You get to eat cigarette butts off the ground underneath subway platforms. You get to carry rabies. You get to be Bert from Sesame Street’s favorite animal. You get to poop wherever you want.

And it’s awesome for sleeping.