Roadside

A warning. This blog entry has been rated “BMS.” For Bowel Movement Story.

Last week was a tough one for the whole gang. Diana, Elijah and Luca were super sick. I managed to avoid the germs because I was in my hermetically sealed office working around the clock. What’s the point of living in a beautiful state when all you see is your computer screen?

The point? Kitty‘s cabin.

Our Evanston friend Kitty’s family has a cabin in the mountains. And Kitty, who is beautiful, funny, smart, nice and possibly the greatest person in the world, lets people she likes stay there. Did I mention she was awesome? And great? And totally great?

Where was I? Oh, brown nosing Kitty. Anyhoo, in an effort to re-introduce ourselves, we drove the three hours to Salida, Co. The road to Salida is beautiful, but one of those winding roads that features a testicle shriveling drop off on one side. Since I am more accustomed to the ½ mile trip to Eli’s school three times a week, I was a little white knuckled. And then it started.

“I have to go to the potty!”

I looked around the miles and miles of non bathroom and cringed. “Well, buddy. We’ll stop when we get to a town.”

“I have to go NOW.”

I swept my hand across the vista. “We’re in the middle of nowhere. We can’t just pull over.”

“I have to poop!”

Diana said, “Let’s just pull over and let him go.” Now, this was the same woman who had just finished reading to me from a guide book in great detail about how the whole state of Colorado was considered mountain lion country. And that Colorado mountain lions have a particular taste for little pooping boys. Little pooping boys named “Eli.”

I tried to ignore her and strained my eyes to see any form of civilization.

“Poop is coming out of my butt, daddy!”

I swerved the car over and onto a dusty dirt road. I think it was called “Mountain Line Snack Lane.” Diana hopped out with Eli got him into a squat. I, safely inside the car, turned to Luca and said, “If we see a mountain lion, I promise to honk the horn to scare it. Before you and I drive away.”

He replied, “Car.”

Elijah finished his business (copious, as usual) and we eventually got back on the road and to Kitty’s cabin. Which was gorgeous. Just like Kitty.