Friday, February 4, 2011

No Go and Tell

About five minutes after I got home last night, Diana and I were sitting on our couch watching a half naked Luca and a fully naked Elijah and Grover run around like lunatics.

Eli crawled cross Diana and my laps, thrusting his butt in our faces. Diana felt like this was an appropriate time to discuss the rules of touching.

“Eli. Who are the three people who can touch your private parts?”

“I don’t know,” he said. I wondered if Grover was included in the three.

“Me, daddy and your doctor. No one else can touch you.” She emphasized her point by spanking his butt.


As he shoved his butt closer to my face, I suddenly remembered a public service announcement Emmanuel Lewis did in the 1980’s.

“If someone touches you, you have to say NO, then GO, and TELL someone you trust.” Elijah continued pointing his rear in my face. I began to wonder if we were broaching the subject a little too early for him. But I was already in.

“Eli, now listen. You have to say NO! Then GO! And TELL. Just like Emmanuel Lewis.”

Diana said, “Just like who?”

I ignored her and kept after Eli. “Eli, I want you to repeat after me. NO! GO! TELL.”

Elijah responded by breaking wind in my face.

This morning, I walked out of the bathroom to find Grover sprawled out on our daybed. Elijah was sitting next to the dog, staring at the TV, absentmindedly scratching Grover’s crotch. Or what used to be Grover’s genitals.

I said, “Grover, are you going to say NO, then GO and TELL someone you trust?” I led Eli into the bathroom to wash his hands.

Grover looked like he was going to bit me.

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