Choked Up

And now…a cautionary tale.

This morning, Diana was out running (you sign a contract stating you will exercise in Colorado. It’s the law) and Elijah and I were ignoring each other and playing on our respective computers. I heard Luca engaged in his post nap cackle over the baby monitor and I went down to retrieve him.

Luca and I returned upstairs stairs and I found Eli standing on our dining room window sill. About 2 feet off the ground. The fact that he was standing on the window sill didn’t horrify me. Nor did the fact that he was nude.

It was the fact that he had the curtain cord wrapped around his neck. He had a delightful, “Ain’t I a little stinker?” look on his face.

The words “Get that f*cking cord off your neck” didn’t quite exit my mouth before Eli lost his balance and fell of the sill. He bashed his head and proceeded to hang himself for the .25 seconds it took me to race across the house.

Now, I don’t know why God decided to let me off the hook today. But he did. And I thank him for it. Eli was unhurt. Completely freaked out, bawling hysterically with a nice rope burn around his neck, but unhurt.

In the next two minutes, I set off on a raving lunatic rant that encompassed the following:

-I loved him very, very much.
-He was an idiot.

I’m not sure why we didn’t put all our curtain cords out of reach. Before they let you out of the hospital with your newborn born they make sure that: a) your house is not currently on fire, and b) you don’t have any cords dangling that can choke them.

Eventually we all calmed down about the dodged bullet. But Diana and I took turns the rest of the day making Elijah promise us he would never climb on window sills and never, never wrap something around his neck.

It got to the point where when Di or I asked him a non cord question he’d robotically answer, “I will never wrap anything around my neck.”

A little while ago I explained that I had, in fact, saved his life. And by Wookie law, he owed me a Life Debt. Which meant when one of my kidneys goes out, I’m coming knocking on his door.

And parents. Secure. Your. Curtains.