Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Worst Transvestite Ever
On the rare morning that I actually wake up with Elijah, I spend a fair amount of time rushing around getting my act together. Showering, tooth brushing, psyching myself up in the mirror, one armed push ups, geese hunting, a ride on my horse “Bruce.” You get the idea.
So Eli is left to his own devices for small stretches of time. But given the morning is the only time we allow him his one true love, TV, he rarely gets into mischief. And that, my dear high school freshmen English students, is called foreshadowing.
While I was showering, I peeked out of the curtain and didn’t see Elijah in his usual spot at the end of the couch. I thought he must be trying to crawl into the TV in an attempt to go live with Elmo on Sesame Street. So I went back to singing my aria.
After toweling off (soak that image in, ladies), I strolled back into the living room, where I discovered Eli. His face was covered in a hideous brownish goo. For a moment I panicked. Did he drink from a barrel of oil? Do we have a barrel of oil? Did he eat my secret chocolate stash? Do I have a secret chocolate stash?
But then I realized he was straddling Diana’s purse. And clutched in his little paw was her sexy lipstick. Needless to say, it was not his color. And the his snotty little nose had dripped into his makeup, creating the bizarre brown soup.
I wiped him off and carried him upstairs to Diana. She marveled, as she usually does, about how beautiful he is.