My family role is Reluctant Enforcer. I seem to be the one who does 99.9% of the yelling in our house to stop hitting your brother, don’t touch that, don’t dump your Cheerios and milk into the couch cushions, stop hitting your brother, for the love of all that is holy stop hitting your brother.
I don’t like it, but Diana simply loves Elijah and Luca too much to deny them any joy. Particularly the joy of hitting your brother.
A few Saturdays ago I was feeling extra mean and yelly and thought, “No. Not today. Today I am going to be the cool dad. The permissive dad. The dad who lets them do the thing even super permissive Diana wouldn’t allow.”
And that’s watch the Family Guy Star Wars Special.
(Editor’s note) Family Guy is a super offensive and age inappropriate cartoon that did a Star Wars spoof a few years ago that was kind of profane.
After the cheers subsided, I looked at my brother and asked if this was maybe crossing a line for a 4 year old and a 6 year old. He mouthed, “They say f*ck a lot.” Hmm. Well, too late now.
I explained the rules of watching the Family Guy Star Wars Special. First. do not repeat any of the adult words you hear in this show. Second, do not repeat any of the violence you see in this show. Third, and this is the most important rule, never EVER tell your mom we watched this. Seriously. Do not. Go to your graves with the Family Guy Star Wars Special.
We watched it and it was pretty inappropriate. I purchased the unrated version, which was a bit of a mistake. Thankfully, Luca lost interest fairly early and spent most of the f-words playing Rescue Bots. Eli paid way more attention to the fart jokes than the f-words. All in all, we all survived.
Until Diana came home.
We were all bathed and rosy cheeked and cute when Diana walked in from work. The boys shrieked and jumped on her and she asked what they did today.
Elijah came running into the kitchen where I was making dinner. He began raking his face with his fingers in agony.
“Dada! I can’t keep the secret! I have to tell Mommy the truth about Family Guy.”
“No! We had an agreement. You can’t tell her. I’ll get in trouble.”
Eli said, “I can’t lie to her. I just can’t!”
“You lie to her every day! What’s one more lie?” said Father of the Year.
A few minutes later Diana popped her head into the kitchen and said, “What’s this about a Family Guy show about farts and Star Wars?”
I then yelled at the boys to get to bed.