Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Kindle Poop

There was a time when the idea of being the sole parent of Elijah and Luca for two straight days would fill me with intense dread.  Not because I don’t love them.  I do.  Very much.  My dread would come from the fact that I have really zero control of them.

For a long time, requests to put your shoes on please put your shoes on for the love of all that’s holy please put your mother loving shoes on would be met with complete and utter silence.  Occasionally they would honor me with a “No, Wick.”  But mostly ignores.  No matter how hard I yelled.

But this last weekend, I discovered I could, in fact, get them both to do what I want.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  How?  The Kindle.

The kindle is a workingman’s version of an ipad.  You can read books on it, you can surf pornography on it, and most importantly, you can play Star Wars Angry Birds on it.  It’s the currency of our lives.

Oh, you don’t want to put your shoes on?  No Kindle.  That’s right.  Oh, don’t want to eat your corn?  I’ll throw that Kindle into the street.  Not gonna take a nap, huh?  Well, then I’m not gonna not destroy the Kindle.

Last night, I achieved the greatest Kindle bribe in the world: Potty Training. 

Luca is 50% potty trained.  In fact, he doesn’t wear a diaper at all during waking hours.  That kid is a pee pee star.  Even when we wears the occasional diaper, he’ll go pee in the potty.

Poop is another story.  We still haven’t figured it out yet.  Despite near toxic amounts of stool softeners, he’s still holding it in.  Which is bad enough, but when he deems it critical to finally release his bowels, the result is so copious, so…so impressive.

I decided it was time to convince him to at least give sitting on the potty for that purpose a shot.  When I asked him about it, he responded by running way screaming “Noooooooo!”

I found him hiding behind the couch (Poopatorum location #4) and suggested the following:

After dinner, you have the option of unlimited Kindle time, provided you spend that time sitting on the potty.  You are under no obligation to make a poop.  This is merely practice for the day you make stuff happen. 

It goes without saying if you do make stuff happen, you get an instant trip to Chuck E Cheese.  Even if it’s the middle of the night.

He agreed.  And he sat.  And sat.  And played.  I mentally noted that I would be giving this Kindle up for good because…ew.

Elijah, in that hilariously Elijah way, announced that he would need to sit on the potty immediately after Luca.  I informed him that he already knew how to go, but he used the lawyer skills inherited by his mother and tricked me into letting him play on the Kindle on the toilet.  Ew times two.

After a few minutes I asked El if he was in fact just sitting there to play the Kindle.  He said that he now preferred to sit while he pees. Like mommy.

Who doesn’t?


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