Thursday, June 10, 2010

Luca’s Signature Move

Lately I’ve been thinking about the 1980’s World Wrestling Federation. The over the top, jumping off the turnbuckle, spandex and steroids fun I used to stay up late watching on Friday nights. I much prefer it to the mixed martial arts octagon stuff popular today. Partly because I like my violence fake and cartoony, not arm breaky and nose bleedy.

But mostly because the wrestlers of yore had great “Signature Moves.” Usually employed at the end of a match, the signature move was the theatrical climax. It also meant you were only a couple minutes away from being able to go to the bathroom.

Hulk Hogan had the “Atomic Leg Drop.” Rowdy Roddy Piper had the “Sleeper Hold.” And my favorite character from The Cold War, The Iron Sheik, had something called the “Camel Clutch.”

Well, Luca has his own WWF signature move. “The Face Rearranger.”

If there is one thing Luca still loves, it’s when you stick your face in his face and say, “Boo.” It’s a guaranteed smile, and an almost guaranteed guffaw. But now that Luca can use his hands, he likes to grab your face. It usually starts with a gentle caress. He’ll lay his hands on your cheeks, which makes your soul expand ten times its normal size. But then he’ll squeeze his hands, hard. Crushing your nose, eyeballs and anything else he can get between his fingers. I’m usually lucky to come away from that maneuver with both ears intact.

I can’t understand how he got the hand strength to rip apart my face. I mean, it’s not like he gets much exercise in his bouncy seat. But somehow he has the ability to move your facial features around like a flesh and bone Mr. Potato Head.

Luca also doesn’t limit his super baby strength to your face. He loves to grab hold of any extra fat you have dangling off your body. He’s taken great fist fulls of my love handles, but an iron grip on my arm fat and stretched the seams on my thighs.

But he does it with such glee. I honestly think it’s out of love. But like Baby Huey (third weird pop culture reference of the post), he simply doesn’t know his own strength.

So I’ve taken to pinning his arms down while I “Boo” him. But it just gives him better access to work the body.

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