Thursday, August 28, 2008

Grosser Than Gross

So, based the title of today’s entry, do I really need to warn you about the content? Really?

Anyhoo, as you recall, Elijah has been out of sorts this week with his face bones coming in. He didn’t sleep at all Monday night, which meant Diana didn’t sleep at all Monday night.

At the midway point Tuesday while I was nodding off in a Porsche meeting Diana called. Her message said, “Sooooooo tired. So very very tired…” And then the phone hit the floor.

So I made a point out of getting home at a decent hour and taking the angry baby off her hands. But by the time public transportation deposited me, it was almost nigh nigh time. Regardless, Di happily shoved the child into my arms.

He was in much better spirits than I expected. He was into his monkey chatter and ball playing. But I could tell his face bones still hurt. I tried to apply some gum-numbing cream, but ended up almost losing a finger.

I then took him downstairs and asked for Di to administer the baby Tylenol. The reason I’ll tell the judge is so he’d feel more comfortable. But my secret reason was that it might ensure a full night’s sleep.

He happily slurped up a dose of purple flavored pain relief and I began carrying him back up to nigh nigh land.

But he then got a really strange look on his face. And our eyes locked. At which point he started gagging. I was then overwhelmed by an extreme sense of powerlessness. As he began his pre-barf, I wondered if this was how deer feel right before a Pontiac hits them. I was frozen in fear. My muscles didn’t work. My brain was a broken record of, “No no no no.”

I was holding him in font of me, which made a “V” between our two bodies. In about 15 seconds, the V was completely filled with chewed up chicken nuggets, mixed vegetables, milk and a nice desert of tangerine. Quite a nice round meal. All over me. And him.

Diana rushed into the living room and cried, “Oh no! The rug!”

The rug?

Eli began to scream and snapped Diana out of it. She grabbed him out of my arms and stripped him down and washed him off.

I stood in the living room the rest of the evening, in shock, saying, “Aack. Aack.” Over and over.

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