There’s a scene in the new Avenger’s movie when Bruce Banner is transforming into the giant green rage monster, the Hulk. At one point, he’s getting all Hulk-y, he looks at one of the main characters with pleading eyes that seem to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to become a real jerk in about two seconds and break a bunch of stuff.”
That’s the look I gave Diana when she suggested going to Ikea on Saturday.
I will pat myself on the back and say I made it all the way through the store and back without losing my temper. Mostly. I did yell at the boys a few times. But that was a mere warm up.
But the moment I got home and looked across the literally hundreds of pieces that comprised the two dressers that would eventually go in the boy’s room, I became the worst version of myself. Complete with shredded purple pants.
I yelled. Oh, how I yelled. “Get out of here! Leave Dada alone! Don’t touch that! Stop touching that!”
At one point, when Elijah was removing vital pieces of plywood from my work area, I seethed, “Eli, I am going to beat you.”
He responded, “Why are you going to meet me? Meet me where?”
In my rage haze, I recall Eli’s friend Lincoln coming over to play. He and Luca and Eli were playing swords. For no other reason than Hulk-ness, I snatched the swords out of the boys’ hands and put them out of reach. I could tell by Lincoln’s expression that I had dropped to last on his cool dad list. I tried to mend that fence later by asking him about his shoes that lit up. He simply ran away.
There was another incident where I constructed a drawer that didn’t quite fit and was all wonky and completely needed to be redone. I screamed at the top of my lungs a swear that was both complex and offensive. The boys just laughed.
Eventually, I did finish the project. But not until after seriously damaging my closest personal relationships.
I would like to formally apologize to Diana, Elijah, Luca and the good people of Sweden. No. Strike that. People of Sweden? I’m still mad at you.