Monday, October 1, 2012

Ikea Man

There’s a scene in the new Avenger’s movie when Bruce Banner is transforming into the giant green rage monster, the Hulk.  At one point, he’s getting all Hulk-y, he looks at one of the main characters with pleading eyes that seem to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to become a real jerk in about two seconds and break a bunch of stuff.”

That’s the look I gave Diana when she suggested going to Ikea on Saturday.

I will pat myself on the back and say I made it all the way through the store and back without losing my temper.  Mostly.  I did yell at the boys a few times.  But that was a mere warm up.

But the moment I got home and looked across the literally hundreds of pieces that comprised the two dressers that would eventually go in the boy’s room, I became the worst version of myself.  Complete with shredded purple pants.

I yelled.  Oh, how I yelled.  “Get out of here!  Leave Dada alone!  Don’t touch that!  Stop touching that!”

At one point, when Elijah was removing vital pieces of plywood from my work area, I seethed, “Eli, I am going to beat you.”

He responded, “Why are you going to meet me?  Meet me where?”

In my rage haze, I recall Eli’s friend Lincoln coming over to play.  He and Luca and Eli were playing swords.  For no other reason than Hulk-ness, I snatched the swords out of the boys’ hands and put them out of reach.  I could tell by Lincoln’s expression that I had dropped to last on his cool dad list.  I tried to mend that fence later by asking him about his shoes that lit up.  He simply ran away.

There was another incident where I constructed a drawer that didn’t quite fit and was all wonky and completely needed to be redone.  I screamed at the top of my lungs a swear that was both complex and offensive.  The boys just laughed. 

Eventually, I did finish the project.  But not until after seriously damaging my closest personal relationships.

I would like to formally apologize to Diana, Elijah, Luca and the good people of Sweden.  No.  Strike that.  People of Sweden?  I’m still mad at you.

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