Thursday, July 5, 2012


I can honestly say I physically abused my children yesterday.  Not on purpose, mind you.  But unintentional abuse is still abuse, right?

If you are currently reading this blog from anywhere around Chicago, you are most likely reading it in your underwear, sitting in a block of ice in front of an open refrigerator.

It’s hot. Dangerous, check on your elderly neighbors hot.  And what do I do?  Make Elijah and Luca walk 4, count ‘em 4 miles in it.

Let me back up.  One of my co-workers had a party yesterday morning along the route of a charming suburban 4th of July parade.  It was billed as enough fire trucks to blow my sons’ minds.  I thought, “What the heck?  Sounds like fun.  And it’s not like I’m going to force my sons into some kind of Bataan Death March.”

CUT to yesterday morning.  Because traffic would be nuts, the party invite instructed us to park at the train station and walk east.  I complied with these instructions. It was only after walking an hour that I realized I parked at the wrong train station.

We were exactly one mile from both the train station and the party, so we pressed on.  In 99 degree heat.

We got to the party, completely drenched in sweat, and I allowed Elijah and Luca to drink as much lemonade as they could consume. 

The mercury climbed.  And climbed.  I realized if we didn’t get out of there and attempt the trek back to our car, we may never make it.

Oh, why didn’t I ask someone, anyone for a ride back to our car?  I.  Have.  No.  Idea. 

We began our walk back.  2 miles.  In the blazing heat.  With no shade.  Luca made it roughly 50 feet before he flat out refused to continue.  So I carried him.  2 miles.  He refused to ride on my shoulders, so I had to carry him like a wet sack of potatoes.  A heavy wet sack.

Which meant Eli was of luck.  He had to hoof it the whole day.  I would trudge forward for a few 100 feet and then look back at Eli.  He was usually crumpled in a heap in someone’s well manicured lawn.  At which point I’d walk back give him a pep talk.  My pep talk involved describing that we were all in grave danger and unless he got on his feet, we’d all get heat stroke and die.

At one point, I stood both boys up on the sidewalk and dumped two water bottles over their heads.  It didn’t occur to me that we may want to consume that water.

After 2 hours, we made it to the Einstein’s Bagels across the street from the car.  I told them to order whatever they wanted.  As much as they wanted.  While we sat over our turkey sandwiches and gallon of lemonade, I explained how proud of them I was and how incredibly sorry I was for making them go through that ordeal.

Eli asked if he could have Finn and Rory over to play.  I said yes.

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