Fist Full

Man, it’s been a while since we’ve had a good old fashioned poop story here at HamannEggs. Consider yourself warned.

Luca is nothing if not consistent. He likes his bedtime at 7:01pm exactly. He likes his wake up at 6:01am exactly. And he likes his epic BMs at 7:35am on the dot.

Now, this puts me in an awkward spot every morning. Because if I want to make it to the office on time, I need to be out the door at 7:35. So when he fills his diaper with goodness, I’m stuck with the choice between taking the time to clean him up, put him in new clothes (it’s usually that copious) or sneaking out the front door and letting Diana deal with the stink.

I typically opt for changing him. Purposely leaving a stinky D for your wife to clean up is the lowest of the low. Even if said wife constantly leaves knives caked with peanut butter in the sink. There. I said it.

So I usually try to quickly change Luca and get him mopped up before they send out a missing person’s report at the office. Which is where the trouble arises.

Immediately after I remove Luca’s diaper, he grabs his genitals with a ferocity that makes me wince. I wonder if he is simply making sure he still has his stuff since they spend so much time covered in diapers. But because his morning BM is usually so abundant, his little grabby fists become caked in doo doo.

Which is when we begin our dance. I pry his poopy hands off his stuff and attempt to clean them off before he can touch me or his face or our walls. But then I have to attempt to clean up his butt-ular region. Which means releasing his hands. Which gives him the opportunity to latch them onto his still poopy stuff. Pry hands off stuff. Clean up hands. Try to clean up butt. Pry hands off stuff. Clean up hands. Try to clean up butt. And so on and so forth until I scream, “Stop grabbing your poopy genitals!” And then tear out my hair with poop filled hands.

I tried to get Diana to commiserate with me on this Luca poop issue over the weekend. She said, “Oh. Just give him a toy. He’ll be so distracted he won’t grab his poopy stuff.”

I scrunched up my face and blurted, “Why don’t you just give him a toy?”

Diana calmly said, “I do. That’s why I’m not covered in poop.”