Camp

Luca doesn’t need a lot to keep him occupied. Plop him down in front of a couple chewed up relics from the Elijah infant era and he’s good for, well, forever. The only time he makes a peep is when he falls over and cracks his skull on our coffee table. And even then he’s reluctant. “If you guys don’t mind, can you tip me right side up? And shove my brains back into my head?”

Elijah, on the other hand, needs constant stimulation. The ratio of free time to destruction is fairly one to one.

So Diana opted to put Eli into summer camp. No, not one from “Meatballs.” This is a series of day camps connected in some way to the city of Evanston. But I’m not convinced they are actually affiliated with Evanston. Because I’m not convinced it is actually a camp.

Diana drops Elijah off at an un-air conditioned building teeming with hundreds of toddlers and, like, one chaperone and then picks him up at the end of the day. Since Eli only wants to talk about Star Wars, we get very few details about what happens.

After attending “Nature Camp,” he’d occasionally come home with a wadded up page from a coloring book featuring a tree. But he couldn’t say if he learned anything about nature. Or if he actually left the un-air conditioned building to, oh I don’t know, experience nature. The kid is covered with mosquito bites. But 100% of them were acquired within five feet of our house.

Eli has since moved from quote, unquote nature camp to “Cooking camp.” Now as a full time sissy, I love the idea of Eli learning how to cook. I imagine us flambé-ing side by side, while wearing matching chef’s hats. Maybe we’d even open up a restaurant together. We could name it “Can I have some Jelly Beans?”

Here’s a rundown of the food Elijah has, em, cooked:

-Snack Mix
-Chopped cucumbers
-Something called “worms.”

Okay okay, I know it’s a lot to expect a three year old to learn how to break down a chicken or red wine reduction. But snack mix?

I can’t wait to send him to watching TV camp.