BAMF

In Luca’s quest to learn how to crawl, he somehow ripped a hole in the time space continuum. He doesn’t so much crawl as disassemble his atoms and reassemble them in a new location faster than the human eye can see.

Set him down on his butt and turn your back for a split second and, BAMF! He’s across the room. Or BAMF, he’s in the kitchen. Or BAMF, he’s in Utah.

While it’s awesome that he has powers no other human baby possesses, it’s a little dangerous. Yesterday, Diana put him down in our room and turned to answer one of the 1,000 hourly questions posed by Elijah. She turned back around and he was gone. But it wasn’t a “BAMF,” it was a “BAMF thud thud thud.” The poor little guy BAMF-ed himself all the way down our stairs. He was ok (apparently one of his other powers is unbreakable bones), but he was extremely unhappy.

Diana thought a little fresh air would cheer Luca up, so she took everyone outside. Diana took her eye off him for exactly .0002 seconds when, BAMF! He transported himself across the deck. And down the three stairs. Thud thud thud. This time he gave himself a nice scrape across his ample forehead.

So we officially dusted off the old baby gate.

At 6am this morning I used it to cordon off the living room. That way Luca couldn’t BAMF his way down our basement steps or BAMF his way into our cleaning chemical cabinet.

Both Grover and Eli were not pleased with the re-introduction of their old nemesis. Grover found it impossible to hide from children with the gate up, so he paced our living room all morning. Eli also found it impossible to open our fridge every five minutes and announce things he wanted to eat. It also prevented him from access to the toilet, so I spent a good portion of the morning lifting him over the gate to pee, which quickly became a game that was only fun for Eli.

But at least Luca was safe, right? Of course not. He BAMF-ed himself into every piece of furniture in our living room. Bonking his head on every surface. By the time Diana woke up, his little face was puffy and streaked with tears.

As I got ready for work (yes, on a Saturday. Eli, and Luca, consider this your official warning about following my footsteps), I heard Luca shriek from downstairs. I found him in Diana’s arms, bleeding from the mouth. He apparently BAMF-ed his face on our hardwood floor.

I would not be surprised to see our house covered in foam when I get home.

p.s. For you non nerds, BAMF is the sound a famous comic book character made when he transported. Not all my references are Star Wars.