Sunday, May 31, 2009


One half of Elijah’s gene pool spent their youth traveling Europe, singing and dancing, following the Grateful Dead and Phish, working at bars and possibly getting naked in the musical “Hair.”

The other preferred the cool, cool confines of their mother’s basement where they could debate Star Wars, practice the Baritone Horn and engage in epic Dungeons and Dragons sessions with their twin nerd.

Let’s see if you can guess which parent Eli takes after.

Yesterday we took the family out to the south suburbs for some wedding shower awesomeness. The hosts had the marvel idea of actually getting an education in college. So their home was stunning. Pool, volleyball, forest preserve. Helicopter pad. Basically, take our house and think the opposite.

Eli took on the behavior of a wolf recently released from two years of captivity.

Luckily, he had Grandpa Ed and Grandma Connie and roughly a hundred great uncles to watch over him, but I, being of the Baritone Horn set, kept close track. I’d crack open a beer and watch as he barreled towards the forest preserve.

I’d think, “Surely he’ll get scared and come back to dada.” And then count to five. And then ten. And then fifteen. At which point I’d run into the forest frantically where I’d find him conversing with an ant.

He was so intent on jumping into the pool that Grandma Connie soaked her nice wedding shower clothes trying to prevent drowning. I reluctantly, very reluctantly changed into swimming trunks and entered the pool with him. Some of the guests had to chance don sunglasses to shield them from sun reflecting off my skin. But most simply turned their backs so didn’t have to be disgusted by my stomach.

Where as a normal child who hadn’t been in a pool since he couldn’t crawl would take things easy, my son kept shouting, “Uppie!” and demand to be placed at pool’s edge, where he could attempt a baby double gainer.

After he was dried off, I left him in the capable hands of his cousin Finn, who inherited a much more cautious gene pool. Finn spent the rest of the day stiff-arming Eli away from trouble.

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