The day? Saturday, February 1. The time? 7:45pm. The event? Elijah Steven Hamann drew his first wiener.
Like first steps or first words, the first wiener drawing marks a turning point in his life. And I am honored to have been there.
After baths, Eli was busy in our kid art room. Whatever he was working on was important, yet he needed complete privacy. The few times I tried to check on him were met with snaps of, “Don’t come in here, Daddy.”
Like any encouraging father, I said, “Fine. Be that way. I’ll just go tickle Luca until he pees.”
And pee he did. Just as I was about to shut down Eli’s covert activity and force him to go to bed, he called from the living room, “Daddy, come quick!”
I found him standing on our couch with two pieces of paper taped to his pajamas. He was laughing hysterically as he said, “Daddy, my pj’s ripped off!”
I squinted and looked at the paper stuck to him. Up top, he had drawn a pair of nipples. Representing his nipples.
But down below was the piece de resistance. He had drawn some kind of belt with a Batman-esc belt buckle. And a wiener.
“Is…is that your wiener?” I asked.
Eli couldn’t answer because he was laughing so hard. Luca joined in and doubled over with laughter.
But then I knelt down and told him, soberly, “This is the funniest thing you have ever done. This might be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I love you.”
Eli kept laughing and I gave them both dishes of ice cream. I said it was because of the wiener drawing. The glorious wiener drawing.
I excitedly told Diana when she got home and I told several colleagues in the following days, but I couldn’t seem to accurately describe the magic of that moment. Some friends even went so far as to say rewarding an obscene drawing with ice cream might not be the best parenting method.
Phooey on that.
I did, however, sit down with Eli two days ago and explain that, while his wiener drawing was the funniest thing ever, he shouldn’t draw them at school or draw them for the girls next door or show them to his teacher. Not everyone would appreciate his genius.
“Oh, like farting on purpose.”
Yes, son. Like farting on purpose.