The other night, I raced home only to find we had zero food in the house. Cute, animated mice were cutting lima beans up into little pieces to make them last longer. I begged Hannah to stay with the boys another ½ hour and flew to Jewel to fill my cart with frozen pizzas, pizza snacks and pizza in a cup.
By the time I got home it was way past bedtime. Any and all requests for stories or glasses of water or requests to play on the kindle were quickly and violently squashed. I left their room in my usual way, by telling Elijah and Luca I loved them more than anything in the world and if they so much as stuck a toe out of their room I’d chop it off.
I then went about a productive evening while Diana worked late. I’m pretty sure it involved volunteering at a soup kitchen or sewing a quilt and definitely not drinking too much wine and playing xbox for four straight hours.
I got sleepy and Diana still wasn’t home, so I decided to go bed with Luca on the bottom bunk. I love his little hot water heater body and how he unconsciously burrows under my fat in search of the most comfortable place on the mattress.
I dozed off and awoke hours later covered in sweat. No, wait. It wasn’t sweat. It was urine. Yep, my son had whizzed all over me.
Oh yeah! I forgot to put a nighttime diaper on him. Dumb dumb dumb. I was saturated in my own stupidity. As I removed Luca’s offending clothes he thrashed in his sleep. I shushed him and told him his father was a moron.
I carried him into our bed and placed him next to Diana. He immediately assumed his official diagonal bed hogging position. Rather than spend the night in a war of attrition over Central Bedlandia, I grabbed my pillow and went back to the boys’ room.
Luca’s bed was a no-man’s land. No living thing could survive in that cesspool. So I opted to sleep with Eli in the top bunk. Not a great idea considering my added weight put us over the limit expressly warned against in Swedish. But I figured if the whole thing came crashing down we’d just land in Lake Peepee.
I climbed the ladder, shoved Eli over and sunk back into the bed. And into a pool of Eli’s urine. He had also wet the bed. Big time. Hmmm. Maybe a nighttime diaper for him would have been a good idea too.
I changed wet boy number 2 and placed him into bed with his mother and fellow pee peer.
I then manhandled Grover the dog onto our couch and used him as a non wet blanket. A doggie grin crossed his muzzle as if he had planned the whole thing.