Thursday, February 20, 2014


The other night, I raced home only to find we had zero food in the house.  Cute, animated mice were cutting lima beans up into little pieces to make them last longer.  I begged Hannah to stay with the boys another ½ hour and flew to Jewel to fill my cart with frozen pizzas, pizza snacks and pizza in a cup.

By the time I got home it was way past bedtime.  Any and all requests for stories or glasses of water or requests to play on the kindle were quickly and violently squashed.  I left their room in my usual way, by telling Elijah and Luca I loved them  more than anything in the world and if they so much as stuck a toe out of their room I’d chop it off.

I then went about a productive evening while Diana worked late.  I’m pretty sure it involved volunteering at a soup kitchen or sewing a quilt and definitely not drinking too much wine and playing xbox for four straight hours.

I got sleepy and Diana still wasn’t home, so I decided to go bed with Luca on the bottom bunk.  I love his little hot water heater body and how he unconsciously burrows under my fat in search of the most comfortable place on the mattress. 

I dozed off and awoke hours later covered in sweat.  No, wait.  It wasn’t sweat.  It was urine.  Yep, my son had whizzed all over me. 

Oh yeah!  I forgot to put a nighttime diaper on him.  Dumb dumb dumb.  I was saturated in my own stupidity.  As I removed Luca’s offending clothes he thrashed in his sleep.  I shushed him and told him his father was a moron.

I carried him into our bed and placed him next to Diana.  He immediately assumed his official diagonal bed hogging position.  Rather than spend the night in a war of attrition over Central Bedlandia, I grabbed my pillow and went back to the boys’ room.

Luca’s bed was a no-man’s land.  No living thing could survive in that cesspool.  So I opted to sleep with Eli in the top bunk.  Not a great idea considering my added weight put us over the limit expressly warned against in Swedish.  But I figured if the whole thing came crashing down we’d just land in Lake Peepee.

I climbed the ladder, shoved Eli over and sunk back into the bed.  And into a pool of Eli’s urine.  He had also wet the bed.  Big time.  Hmmm.  Maybe a nighttime diaper for him would have been a good idea too.

I changed wet boy number 2 and placed him into bed with his mother and fellow pee peer.  

I then manhandled Grover the dog onto our couch and used him as a non wet blanket.  A doggie grin crossed his muzzle as if he had planned the whole thing.

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