Last night, I came home from work and after much negotiation, got the boys into their pajamas. Luca began begging Elijah to join him the closet “for creating.” I rousted them out of the closet with the exposed wires and other death things and Luca began to weep hysterically.
I informed him that he could do his creating in any other non fatal area of the house and asked him what they were so passionate about creating.
“We’re..sniff sniff…making cakes.”
“I love cakes,” I said. “Let’s play cake store and you can sell me your creations.”
They excitedly agreed and I got into character. I exited the room their dad and entered a giant fat man who could not eat enough cake.
“I don’t like that voice and I don’t like that you are fat. Be someone else,” Eli demanded.
Fine. I decided to do a character based loosely on Eddie Murphy in “Beverly Hills Cop.” Or rather the wildly inappropriate homosexual voice he does at one point in the film. I’m not proud of it. But I don’t have very many funny voices in my arsenal.
The boys let me know that their cake store sold two kind of cake: sea animal cake and regular animal cake. I chose sea animal. Luca told me not to eat the piece with the shark in it. Good idea.
Then to spice things up, I asked the two small salesmen if they had a bathroom in the store because I had to poop. This was the funniest thing in the history of the world, so I kept the bit going, informing them it was an emergency and I would need to go in their closet.
Tears streamed down their faces as they directed me to places in the room in which to pretend defecate.
I know. We could have been reading or learning or writing letters to Santa. Literally, millions of other activities above base potty humor. But damn it, sometimes you just have to sit on a hamper and make a disgusting noise.
After my awful, awful customer left the premises, and we elected Eli to be the next customer.
He entered and said in a funny voice, “Do you have a bathroom?”