On Sunday, we took the family to the suburbs to watch my nephew in law completely own the part of that serious dad in “Sound Of Music.” The entire experience, even when Diana pressured Elijah to become a child actor, was lovely.
The day ended with a celebratory dinner at Diana’s brother’s house. Now, his house is nice. Really nice. Really really nice. It’s monument to working hard and saving your money. Our house, on the other hand, is a monument to burying faux magic beans in your backyard.
I was sitting at their kitchen table, trying to casually shove fistfuls of cheese and crackers into my face, when Diana caught my eye. She bulged her eyes out and mouthed the words “Take him to poop.”
She cocked her head towards Luca, who was doing his old man shuffle in the corner of the room.
I knelt down to his eye level and said, “Let’s go find a bathroom. Your body is telling you to poop.”
Luca winced through clenched teeth and said, “My…body…says…it…doesn’t…have…to…poop.”
Rather than argue this in front of in-laws I’d never met, I scooped him up and headed to the serious dad from “Sound of Music’s” bathroom. It was stellar. And larger than our bedroom.
“Look at this place,” I said. “Now, this is where a man can poop, right? Is this marble? Yeah, I think this is marble.”
Luca, still trying desperately to reverse the urgent gears in his body said, “I can’t poop on a blue toilet.”
I looked inside the toilet and there was, in fact, blue water. Because my in-laws don’t live like animals.
“No, this means the toilet is clean. Better than clean. This is Toilet Duck clean.”
Luca bolted for the door, but I grabbed him before he could escape. Worrying that I was missing out on more cheese and crackers, I yanked down his pants and thrust him on the toilet.
Instinct took over and Luca’s body made magic. But not before he completely nailed me in the face with pee pee. That will teach me to squat in front of a loaded gun.