Tuesday, January 3, 2012


You know those movies where the kid and the parent both say “I wish I had your life” while peeing in a magic toilet and they switch bodies? We had the HamannEggs version over Christmas break. But with Diana and me.

My company gives us the week off between Christmas and New Years to make up for the awful coffee in the break room. Coincidentally or not coincidentally, Diana had to spend the entire week out of the house working at her new job and studying for a big wine test (I am currently pantomiming Diana chugging from a bottle).

So for the week I was the mommy and she was the daddy. I looked forward to the test. Partly because I love my sons and wanted to spend some quality time with them. But mostly to prove to Diana that being the one who takes care of the boys all day wasn’t as hard as she says and she should stop whining.

Day One I will refer to as “Superdad Day.” I was on fire. I cleaned the house. Occupied the boys without the use of television and fed them nutritious meals that included everything in the Government Food Pyramid or the Government Food Sphinx or whatever it’s called.

By the time Diana got home, the boys were ready for bed in matching PJs with their hair combed and fingernails buffed to glowing. I also believe they were knitting coats for the poor.

I leaned against the door with a look that said, “Gee. This parenting gig ain’t so hard.” It also said, “Gee. I am a passive aggressive jerk.”

Day Two through Day Seven I will refer to as “A Complete and Utter Disaster.” I quickly realized that full time parenting itself is not difficult. Parenting all day every day with no break to even go to the bathroom is where things begin to break down.

I don’t think Luca or Elijah actually changed clothes for the entire week. What clothes they did have on were caked in, well, cake. Because I lost the ability to make food. I’m fairly sure Luca’s diaper was on fire at one point. But I’m not sure since he was hiding in my closet most of the time. Elijah acquired a conk shell and proclaimed himself King Of The House. He was a benevolent ruler so long as “My Little Pony” was on TV constantly.

And this is no joke, we had to have our babysitter come yesterday to give me a break.

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