Friday, January 13, 2012

Out Of Town Blues

When I leave town for business, the boys barely notice. While staring at the TV, they’ll wave a limp hand as I leave. And when I come back, they’ll excitedly call my name for exactly three seconds before returning to their constant drone of “Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?”

But when Diana leaves town? Terrible things happen.

Diana had to fly to Philadelphia to take a big wine test (I’ve decided to no longer accompany these kind of statements with a cheap drunk joke). And while they were in the very capable hands of our awesome sitter, Hanna, things got a little sideways.

Elijah stuck his tongue out at his teacher at school. And infraction so strange and rare, no one knew what to do about it. I honestly think he surprised himself by doing it, because he spent the rest of the evening in a stupor, occasionally crying.

Luca seemed to do a bit better. He was clingy and whiney and constantly wanted to be held, but I took advantage of it because I like holding the little poop maker.

When Diana got home the other night, it was as if (insert your favorite female celebrity) strolled into our house. The boys literally fought over who could climb on her.

After they finally went to bed, Diana and I sat down to some wine so she could tell me how smart she is. From upstairs, we heard a bloodcurdling scream. Luca was shrieking in terror.

When we arrived at his crib, he was dazed and totally out of it, but howling as loud as I’ve ever heard. Diana and I looked at each other and said, “Night terrors.”

For those of you who forgot, night terrors is this weird thing where kids will scream in their sleep. It’s super scary and weird and I thought we’d skip this phase with Luca, given his mellowness.

But he got it full on. Every half hour, throughout the night, he would stand in his crib, totally asleep, and scream bloody murder. We’d hold him and rock him and calm him down, only to get back up ½ later to the same terror.

At about 4am, Diana went downstairs to look up night terrors on the internet. It turns out, one of the causes of night terrors is emotional distress. Emotional distress like your favorite person in the world leaving to take a big fancy wine test (glug glug glug – I couldn’t help myself).

Diana was filled with guilt that she caused this poor sweet little boy to cry out like he was being jammed under the fingernails with Star Wars guy guns. But I wonder if a small part of her is secretly happy her absence could cause this kind of disaster.

p.s. This is Luca’s impersonation of Tim, our contractor. It's dead on.

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