Wednesday, August 31, 2011


The whole concept of a glass of water on the bedside table was completely foreign to me before I met Diana. I was simply used to a constant low grade dehydration all the time. Keeps the skin nice and brittle.

Elijah has fallen into the bedside water routine as well. In fact, if you toss him into bed and he doesn’t have a full glass of water, it gives him a great excuse to sneak out and watch you watch “The Wire” on DVD and drink wine. When busted for spying, he throws the blame on his waterless bedside.

But here’s the thing. The kid is a water magician. Over the course of one night, he can turn 7 ounces of fluid into several gallons. Every morning his diaper weight roughly 40 pounds. Not to mention a completely sopping wet bed. Every. Morning.

Yesterday morning, Luca was engaging in his usual early morning crib-side chats about Thomas The Tank Engine and Elijah decided to sleep on the daybed outside our bedroom. I awoke to Eli shouting, “Dad! I peed on the daybed! And on my pants! And on my shirt!”

Sure enough, I stumbled out to find him swimming in his own liquid waste.

So last night, I decided in my head that we were putting an end to the nighttime water. I got him dressed in his pjs, read some books and then announced “nighty night” and closed the door.

Diana had already popped the cork and we flipped on the TV. We were ten minutes into the Baltimore drug scene when we heard a door creak. Tiny footsteps announced his arrival.

“Daddy, you forgot my water.”

“No. We aren’t doing waters anymore. It makes you pee pee too much at night. We’re taking a break.”

I have never seen a sadder face in my life. Remember that scene at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark?” When the Ark of the Covenant melted all those Nazis' faces? That’s what it looked like. He was horrified and mortified. Huge tears streamed down his face. He wept the tears of a boy deprived of life giving water.

I told him to knock it off and go to bed.

But I couldn’t get that little sad face out of my head. All night the Ark of the Covenant melted his little face in my brain. Finally, I relented and placed a half full glass of water at his bedside.

This morning his bed was dry.

p.s. Sorry this was a light month for posts. August was busy at work. I promise more stupidity in September.

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