Voices

Elijah knows how to hit you where it hurts. When I’m yelling at him, or hollering at him, or sternly reprimanding him he simply needs to utter four words to reduce me into a puddle.

“I want my mommy.”

No, I have nothing against Diana being number 1 in his book. She should be. She is the sole reason the boy has made it three and a half years on this earth not clad in a newspaper diaper. But he doesn’t have to remind me of it. Twenty times a day.

Well, over the last couple weeks, I’ve been able to carve out my #1 status in one, single area: book reading.

Now that I’ve reduced my commute home by a thousand percent, I’m able to participate in the nighttime ritual more often, including bedtime stories. And apparently, my bedtime story voices are more hilarious than a certain Greatest Mom In the World. Elijah has gone as far as to request my performances when Diana reads to him.

Ha! Take that, parent who is # 1 in literally every other single parenting category! It does burn Diana a little, considering she was a professional actor in such roles as “Elbow” in the movie “Rudy” and “Hot Businesswoman Who Really Likes Cheese” in an Irish Cheese commercial. She has to lose out to a guy whose most famous role was “Audience Member On The Jerry Springer Show.”

But here is what Diana (and Elijah) don’t know. None, I repeat, none of my voices are invented by me. They are all complete rip offs from “The Simpsons.” Here’s an example of what I mean.

Two nights ago, I read a “Peanuts” book to Eli. And here is how I approached each character:

Charlie Brown: Bart Simpson
Lucy: Marge Simpson
Sally: Lisa Simpson
Linus: Comic Book Guy
Snoopy: Santa’s Little Helper

I don’t think I used Homer for any Peanuts Character. But he plays a huge role in “The Cat In The Hat.”