Monday, January 3, 2011
This story has officially lasted longer than John Wayne’s original covered wagon trip to Denver. But I feel like I have to tell it, give the fact I’ve built it up so much.
As you recall from our cliffhanger, Elijah, Luca and I had made it from Peoria to Chicago with almost zero casualties. We did lose two jelly beans (rest their souls). We made it to the Chicago to Denver gate with almost to fuss as well.
But as we sat down to change diapers I heard, “We’re beginning pre boarding for our guests with small children…” I scrambled to attach pants and tossed Luca into his car seat. Unlike our first flight, our second airplane was slightly larger so I foolishly thought we could get him and his seat down the aisle to our seats.
We couldn’t. His seat was about four inches too wide. But I discovered this fact in First Class and the line behind us was way too backed for me to back out. So I hoisted Luca over my head and tried to walk down the aisle with him still strapped to his seat. He did not like this vantage point and began shrieking.
Elijah, on the other hand, decided he was much too good for Coach and plopped down in a First Class seat.
My arms were already shaking when I said, “Elijah! That’s not your seat. We have to go to the back.”
“No. I like it in this seat.”
“Get moving, mister.” Sweat was pooling in my armpits. Elijah ignored me and ordered a Momosa.
Knowing I was seconds away from dropping Luca, I decided to abandon him and hope he’d eventually wander to the rear of the plane. Or stay in First Class and start dating a model. At this point I didn’t care.
I got Luca to the rear of the place after only bashing four people in the head with Luca’s car seat. As I placed Luca in seat number 485 F, I heard it. An old, rich, overly tan couple started bitching about Luca’s crying. There were clearly into their fifth vodka a piece and loudly stated their intention to move away from the shrieking kid.
Then things got really calm for me. Instead of the panic I was feeling up until that moment, I felt an uncontrollable desire to make these peoples’ lives a living hell. I stopped comforting Luca and said, “Let it out, buddy. Use those lungs. Perhaps you’d like some crackers to toss at those terrible people…”
Just then, Elijah arrived, hand in hand with another Flight attendant he just wooed. And then Luca stopped crying and fell into a deep sleep. In fact, both boys were silent for almost the entire trip. Eli with his head in the DVD player, Luca with head in a dream where all breakable objects in the world are located two feet from the ground.
The terrible people eventually came around and started chatting up Eli. I smiled and them and mentally kicked them in the groins.
When we spotted Mommy at arrivals, the orchestra swelled and Elijah ran to her in slow motion.