Giddy Yap!

I believe it is the duty of every father to introduce his son to the concept of the horsey ride. It’s what’s linked fathers and sons since the time when they rode actual horseys. Before horseys became extinct.

Allow me to explain my version of the horsey ride. I lie on my back and let Elijah sit on my stomach. Then I try to buck him off by thrusting my hips wildly while yelling, “Boing! Boing!”

Now, many of you are picturing this in your mind’s eye and thinking, “That seems weird and creepy and vaguely inappropriate.” Well, you should see it in person. It is most definitely weird and creepy vaguely inappropriate.

But whatever. Eli loves it. Nothing makes him laugh harder than getting launched off my fat belly. And it’s a lot easier than the horsey ride on the back or horsey ride on the shoulders. Remember, I am a lazy lazy man.

But I can no longer lie on my back watching TV without the little monkey toddling over and jumping on my stomach. And when he is in the zone of bouncing on my fat stomach he has the concentration of a professional bull rider.

Can I digress for a moment? Why do professional bull riders wear helmets now? Isn’t the whole point that there’s a chance you’ll bash your skull in?

Now where was I? Oh, bashing Eli’s skull in. The other night he was boinging on my stomach and Diana came over and asked for a smooch. Eli was concentrating on staying on my stomach for more than 8 seconds, so he refused. But Diana was insistent.

“Gimmie a smoochy. Gimmie a smoochy. GIMMIE A SMOOCHY!”

Finally Eli cocked his head and “air kissed” her in the most hilariously dismissive way ever. He looked like Joan Rivers on the red carpet. But without the hideous plastic surgery.