Wednesday, February 6, 2019


On the occasional Friday, I would drive home from work early and literally sneak into my house. Tip toe style. My purpose? A vain attempt to catch Schuyler yelling at our kids. Not because I thought she was a bad person. I just couldn’t believe that a human being could deal with our kids for 5 years without ever raising their voice.

Never once did she yell at them. Oh, she would sing to them. Like a bird. I’d hear her laugh, and giggle and tease them. But never yell. Sometimes I would yell at the kids in front of her to see if she would join in. But no. Always kind. Always cheerful. Always happy. It drove me nuts.

So it is with great sadness that I announce Schuyler is moving on from HamannEggs. She is headed to Los Angeles to become an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony winner).

I have two favorite Schuyler stories that I’m 99.9% sure have already been covered in the blog, but too bad.

The first? Schuyler wrote and recorded the cutest song in the history of the world about Eli and Luca. It has everything a hit song needs. Cheese, dogs, orange juice, and friends. It’s still online, here: I dare you to listen to it and not melt with adorable adorableness.

The second? When we spent a billion dollars renovating our house, we put in a bunch of new appliances in our kitchen. On the day they were installed, the electrician didn't install the overhead lights. Schuyler wanted to cook a frozen pizza for the boys, but couldn’t see what she was doing. And proceeded to cook a pizza cheese side down. You can imagine the mess. I forgave her because I thought it was so hilarious.

Last night was her final time with the boys. They hugged and promised to text each other and exchanged gifts. I gave her my patented awkward hug.

A half hour after she left, I couldn’t find Luca. He wasn’t in his usual screen watching posts. After a short search, I found him in the basement crying real tears. His little red eyes broke my heart. I gathered him up on the couch and held him. I was proud that he was feeling actual human emotions. Emotions that I had done a marvelous job of smashing down over the course of 46 years.

I told him he was welcome to cry for as long as he wanted. And then I went into a big, long dad dissertation about feeling your feelings and how his emotions are coming from a place of love and love is great, man. And men should be proud of their tears.

I basically ruined it.

We’ll miss you Schuyler. There will never be a babysitter like you.  When you win your first Grammy, you don’t have to thank us on stage. But it would be cool.

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