Soap Mystery

Remember the robber I scared off like a big man? Yeah, he came back and stole our TV. But let’s not dwell on that, shall we? We boarded up our windows and my Rottweiler mounted elephant gun arrives in the mail this weekend.

I want to tell the tail of another great mystery: The case of the soapy tooth brush.

Two weeks ago at bedtime when Diana brushed her teeth, her mouth filled with rosemary hand soap. This did not please Diana. But she chalked it up to nothing.

But one week ago, it happened again (cue dramatic music).

As you all know, the boys’ cousins come over almost every Saturday. They play, they cry, they beg repeatedly to play Xbox. And there are great swaths of time where all the kids are out of sight. Either playing on the swing set or playing that “Who Wants To Die” creepy tag game they invented.

It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out it was one of these four kids. We immediately sat down Elijah and Luca and grilled them like Riggs and Murtaugh. We were bad cop/bad cop. If we don’t find out who is squirting soap on Diana’s toothbrush we are canceling cousin time effective immediately.

They both rolled over on cousin Rory. Yes. It had to be Rory. Because she goes to the bathroom. A lot. And when she’s in there she takes a lot of time. So mathematically it has to be her. Case closed. Eli was particularly emphatic that Rory was the only logical conclusion.

I wasn’t so sure. Rory may have a mischievous streak, but soap on a toothbrush didn’t feel like her M.O. And why target Diana? What did she ever do to Rory except give her popsicles? Did Rory hate popsicles?

I eventually sat Rory down, with Luca acting as her lawyer.

“Now Rory. Let me first say I’m not mad and you are not in trouble. I am just trying to figure out who put soap on Diana’s toothbrush. Do you think you may have accidentally taken Diana’s toothbrush and accidentally put it under our soap dispenser and accidentally squirted soap all over it?”

Luca said, “Yes. Because you spend a lot of time in the bathroom, Rory.”

I tried to explain to Luca that he was supposed to be Rory’s lawyer, not for the Prosecution.

Rory interrupted us with the most forceful speech I’ve heard from her mouth. “When I go to the bathroom. I. Go. To. The. Bathroom. That’s it.”

Okay. Sheesh.  I told Diana I struck out and we may actually have to make good on our threat to cancel cousin time.

She said, “Oh no. Eli just admitted he’s been filling our toothpaste tube with soap as a science experiment.”

The little rat was going to let Rory take the fall until his conscious got the better of him.

Case closed. And now a special message to the dude who stole our TV: I sincerely hope the channels get stuck on an infinite marathon of “Downton Abby.” Oh, and that it falls on you and crushes you to death.