Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Luca The Scout

I can hear them now. Plotting. They actually plot against us.

Last night, for example, Diana and I wanted to watch a show with adult situations, partial nudity and moments of Cheech and Chong style hilarity. So, for their own good and virginity, I banished them from the family room. The threat was our usual no screens until you get hair under your arms.

And then I heard them. Or rather, I heard Eli giving Luca a pep talk “What’s the worst that can happen? Just go out there…”

Pad pad pad of little feet. Adorable little boy appears.

“Mom? Mom? I have to tell you something. Can I have a snack? Can I eat your food? Can you tuck me in? Can I have a glass of water? Can you help me find my blankie that I’m holding? Can I snuggle with you?”

Eli waits in the wings to observe the parental reaction. If Luca The Scout survives without getting yelled at by Dada, he then enters to repeat the questions above.

Here’s another example. The other night we had our contractor come over to discuss some remodeling we want to do. This will become a major plot point of HamannEggs in the next few months, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

But we needed to listen to this man explain how exactly he will estimate one dollar amount and then creatively add expenditures to that amount over time until either we run out of money or we have a beautiful home.

Elijah and Luca suggested the best way to stay out of our hair was to allow them unlimited access to ipads.  

No. No. No. Absolutely not. It’s a school night. You are capable of entertaining yourselves without a screen. Book. Legos. Books about Legos. Go. Get out of here.

The very instant our contractor spread the plans out in front of us, Luca The Scout ran in and spazzed out on Diana’s lap. He whined. He cried. He demanded trained doves and ice sculptures at his wedding.

Our contractor simply busied himself recalling a youth filled with hardship and dreams of coming to America to sit at dumb Yuppie’s dining room tables.

Elijah swooped in to the rescue. “Oh Mommy. I’m sorry Luca is being difficult. Say, you know what may solve this little conundrum? Letting him play with the ipad. He’s such a scamp.”

Diana hoisted Luca off her lap and said, “Fine! Play with the ipad. Just leave us alone!”

I could hear them high fiving all the way to their room.

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