The Voice

There’s a great bit in the latest Louis CK stand up where he encourages his daughters to quit soccer and tap dancing because he doesn’t want to go. I had a similer feeling about Elijah’s sudden (and expected) rejection of guitar lessons. But I was happy he wanted to quit because I’m cheap and didn’t want to shell out the dough every week.

However, instead of letting him quitting outright like I wanted, Diana suggested he try another musical instrument: his voice.

He does have a beautiful singing voice, which he inherited from his mother. Thank goodness he did not inherit my Kermit-The-Frog-Being-Strangled pipes. And he actually enjoys singing, especially while sitting on the toilet.

The idea of him being a singer filled me with dread. Of course, I leapt immediately to him being a world famous singer instead of simply enjoying singing. The only outcome of voice lessons was Eli would stand in front of 100,000 people and that disturbed me.

Because I couldn’t think of any cool lead singers. Bono? Ugh. Those house fly sunglasses. And Jim Morrison? Come on. Do I really want to be the dad who says, “Oh yeah. That drunken bastard with no shirt and leather pants? That’s my boy!” And don’t get me started on Justin Beiber. Or is it Bieber? I don’t know. I just hate him.

But then, as I was about to resign myself to a life defending the air brushing of my son’s underwear ads, I remembered Freddie Mercury! Yes! The lead singer of Queen! My hero! That giant mustachioed stud! Eli could be Freddie Mercury.  

I walked into our house humming “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and our new babysitter Schuyler, a singer herself, told me a little story about Eli’s last lesson.

Schuyler and Luca were in the waiting room and Eli’s teacher came out to chat with the school’s manager. Not knowing Schuyler was there for Eli, the teacher began gushing about how amazing his voice was. She went on and on about how advanced he was.

I’m going to get him fitted for some leather pants.