Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Word From The Dog
Hey everybody! It’s me. Your loveable pal Grover. I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been busy completing my self-help book for dogs, “A Toddler In The House. Your Life Is Over.” I detail my step-by-step program to draw attention away from impossibly cute toddlers.
Here is a sample:
STEP 215: PLOP AND SIGH
The Man is much more gullible to faux emotional distress than The Woman. If you come upon The Man laying on the floor next to The Competition, simply lay down heavily and sigh. I recommend trying to wedge yourself between The Man and The Competition. You also may want to put your paws over your nose and utilize the Boo Hoo Eyes (STEP 14: SAD EYES SAY SO MUCH).
This usually results in The Man having to pet you and ask what’s wrong. However in rare cases this will result in drawing the attention of The Competition. Which as we know leads to tail pulling, eye poking and the disgusting fingers in your mouth syndrome. If this happens, refer to STEP 311: SO YOU WANT TO MAUL THE BABY...
Well, you get the gist.
I’m still looking for a publisher. Not being able to speak human does slow down the process. As does not having thumbs. And my terrible breath is not helping. Wish me luck.