Meat

 

 

I recently stopped eating meat. Why? First and foremost, I have terrible blood pressure. The self imposed stress from a career in advertising has taken its toll on my ticker. Who knew 20+ years of panic attacks were not good for you?

 

Plus, I get to inconvenience everyone! Oh, you’re making chicken? I guess I’ll just eat this piece of bark. What’s on menu? Pork? Oh…I don’t eat that. I’ll just subsist on my sense of self-satisfaction. 

 

The other night, Elijah offered to make us dinner. Which is…wow. He found some recipe on the internet that involved goopy cheese stuffed inside a burger. With a side of Propranolol and fries. He did me the favor of also buying some fake burger meat. Improbable burgers or Inconceivable burgers or something.

 

I went upstairs to go ride our stationary bike slash soft-core pornography device. When I came down, the kitchen was in peril. Eli struggled with the recipe and had created a massive pile of ground beef and cheese roughly the side of Jerry’s head. I tried to explain that his creation was not only not going to fit on a bun, it may never cook through and give everyone (except me) COVID.

 

I put him on grill lighting duty and got to work making his mound into actual burgers. I wasn’t grossed out by touching meat because I haven’t ascended to the pariah level of vegetarian yet. YET. In just a few minutes, I had constructed an actual meal and threw them onto the grill.

 

Oh crap! The Intolerable meat was still frozen. I screamed into the kitchen for someone, anyone to microwave my fake protein. 

 

After I cooked the family burgers to exactly medium rare (I’ve noticed people who don’t eat meat love to show how great they are at grilling) I ran inside to get my Implausible burgers.

 

Luca was standing over a bowl of goo. The protein, having been radiated by gigawatts of modern convenience, was a pile of David Cronenberg dreams. Luca stuffed his fists into the goo, which made a bodily noise. “I love this,” he said dreamily.

 

Then I got to engage in my favorite part of not eating meat: martyrdom. I made a little pile of nuts and seeds and pecked at it like a bird while the rest of the family moaned at how amazing Eli’s cheese stuffed burgers tasted. Seriously, dad. These are the burgers anyone ever made. Ever.

 

While Diana’s back was turned, I ate a bite of Luca’s burger. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted.  

 

p.s. Jerry got his testicles removed this week.