Through an intense series of negotiations, I have officially been given permission to disclose the following:
Eli has a girlfriend.
I am not at liberty to disclose much about her. She is a human. She exists in our part of the multiverse. She occupies space, she has mass. She is between 3ft and 7ft tall. And is between 15 and 4,000 pounds.
Plus, she’s super sweet.
Embarking on a junior high level relationship in the age of COVID is strange. Lots of texting. So much texting. I think they also talk until all hours of the night. I also assume they communicate through TikTok. What is TikTok? I totally know, but maybe you should tell me so I can double check that you know.
They’ve arranged a few COVID social distance dates. Here is how the last one went: His girlfriend insisted on buying them lunch at Chipotle. In true Hamann fashion, Eli panicked and bought her a pair of shorts at Target to even things out. The math checks out.
The Pandemic hasn’t dampened Luca’s duty as little brother to be an absolute nuisance in this budding relationship. Luca spent an afternoon tracking one of their dates like Lord Baltimore (I watched “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” the other night). Phone theft is rampant. Eli’s girlfriend takes it all in stride, and is super cute about indulging the nonsense.
Speaking of nonsense, I can’t resist. I text her frequently to encourage her to play practical jokes with my insider knowledge. I also do that thing where I press my index fingers together and make kissing noises whenever Eli talks about her. Eli and girlfriend, sitting in a tree and so on and so forth.
Eli takes this all in stride with good humor. Oh wait. No. He hates it and screams at us to shut up whenever we butt in on his relationship.
A little bit of normalcy in an insane world.
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