Minivan

Nope. No way. Not in a million years. We’re not minivan people. We’re cool. We wear t-shirts and jeans. Look at our cool haircuts. Look at our glasses. Look at my beard. Minivans are for soccer moms. We listen to The Pixies. Did I mention my many tattoos? Our kids have super long hair. We swear. We go to concerts. We eat Indian food.

Damn it. We bought a minivan.

The Chrysler Pacifica war began with a Jim Gaffigan commercial. One that so charmed Elijah and Luca that they decided then and there that we must have one. When informed of this fact, both Diana and I burst out laughing (see above paragraph). Eli and Luca pronounced it “Ch-rysler” with the “CH.” But no amount of adorable mispronunciations would sway us.

But E and L were no dummies. They had already won a war of attrition to get us to let them play Fornite. They knew the rulebook. Keep asking. Over. And over. And over. Ask when your parents are tired. Ask then they are sick. Ask when they are vaguely hung over.

The boys would say things like, “You know. The Ch-rysler Pacifica has a sunroof. And a great sound system. And optional leather seats.” Nice try. We knew all they cared about was the DVD player on the back of the seats.

Suddenly, in a fit of brilliance, Eli said, “The Ch-rysler Pacifica comes in a hybrid.” Bingo. That was the day I lost Diana to the dark side. Suddenly, buying a 7 seater was the only way to save planet Earth.

One night, my family sat me down and laid out all the reasons. Think of the gas mileage. Think of the environment. Think of the trips to the cabin. Think of our poor old dog, who needs help getting into our SUV.

I rebutted in the dad-est way I could. “It’s too expensive.”

To my surprise, Luca came over to my side. But I think it was because he simply liked making Eli angry.

Diana considered my arguments thoughtfully and carefully and bought a nice burgundy Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid. I stewed and pouted and acted like a put upon dad.

But then, like all decision I pout about, I actually drove the thing. Heated steering wheel. Captain’s seats. Parking assist. XM Satellite Radio. Where have you been all my life? I’ve been suggesting trips to the cabin just so I can drive it.

Last night, I was hanging out with Eli before bed and he said, “You know what I don’t like about the Ch-rysler Pacifica?”

I told him it was best to keep that little tidbit to himself.