Double Barrels

The “Who Can Leave The Best Dad Note” competition started suddenly. Elijah crept into my room in the middle of the night and left a giant heart on my bedside table with the words, “I love you Dad!” 

Not to be beaten, Luca left me a note with a Snickers bar that read, Dear Dad, eat this in the morning. Happy Halloween. Love, Luca.”

And then there was the Eli classic, “I am sorry for flicking you off” note.

Yes, my life is now broken into two parts: Pre flick-off and post.

I was a little grouchier than usual last Saturday, so my patience wasn’t great. Leaving food on the floor, whining about flu shots, not eating your dinner were all met with outsized reactions. Mostly the yelling kind.

Diana and I had just settled in for some gross salmon and Netflix. It’s our chance to have a little adult time and re-connect after a long and stressful week by staring at the TV. It’s how marriages have been kept alive for decades.

It also happens to be the time the boys like to test how annoying they can be before getting yelled at. Eli had stolen some of Luca’s gross homemade goo and was doing that thing where you wave the contraband with one hand and use the other to stiff arm your brother, who screams bloody murder.

I snatched the goo out of Eli’s hand and said, “You are banished. Get out. Go upstairs.” Eli sulked his way down our house-long hallway.

I turned to make sure he was heading to his room when I saw it: Two middle finger barrels pointed right at me.

His aim was true, because each middle finger ruptured my heart. My little guy who used to laugh at everything I said, who used to play firetrucks and build Legos and have massive tickle fights was now giving me a literal F-YOU.

I reacted how anyone who just got their heart broken would: I ran down the hall yelling my head off. No screens! No screens! Bed immediately! Luca and Diana and Grover sat on the couch, holding each other and witnessing my wrath.

I immediately felt bad about flying off the handle. Eli didn’t know what the double barrels really meant. And he is at an age where he is trying out different personalities and seeing what sticks. He’s a deeply sensitive kid and the kindest eleven year old I’ve met. But he did flick me off.

Twenty or so minutes later he handed me his apology note. I said I was sorry for getting so angry, but we needed to keep his punishment of no screens. But it would take effect in the morning and we watched some inappropriate TV while Diana put Luca to bed, who made a mental note to not do whatever hand gesture it was that got dad so pissed.

The next day, Eli didn’t watch any screens. Except for when I made him watch me play Fortnite as extra punishment.