Teen Zoo

Last week the family went to Mexico for Spring Break. And because of some work junk, I had to join them late. Because she was outnumbered, Diana chose a massive all inclusive hotel an hour outside Cancun.

The place was like a military base built to keep out any sense of Mexican culture except for the cheerful, yet constantly abused staff. Busses would shuttle white people from hotel complex to hotel complex to visit the water park, Benihana knock off and the most misplaced haunted house in existence.

Oh, and the place was crawling with hammered 18 year olds.

Yes, it was Spring Break and maybe I’m getting old, but something seemed weird. The undulating mass of arms and legs and boobs and butts at the swim up bar seemed too familiar with itself. Too friendly for a group who was most certainly giving each other Herpes. They also seemed to be there with chaperones, who created a separate, more wrinkled drunken mass at the opposite end of the pool. We later learned they were all from the same Michigan high school, and this parental/teen sexcapade was semi sanctioned by the administration in a bizarre, “Well at least we know what’s happening” logic.

Elijah and Luca, understandably, were both intrigued and horrified by the teens. They would occasionally shout out, “Teens!” and then go back to their business.

One afternoon, Diana and Eli opted to stay in our room which left me and Luca to go visit the teen zoo.

I caught Luca staring at the mass and asked him if he wanted to sit right in the middle of it. He didn’t know that was an option. When he demurred, I told him he could get a smoothie at the swim up bar.

As we swam over, I gave him instructions. “Let’s steer clear of the Bros. They tend to be the most aggressive. On second thought, the ladies seem pretty aggressive too.”

“Can I kick them?” He asked.

We arrived at the bar and ordered drinks from a bartender who mouthed, “Kill me.” to us. I wondered if I was causing Luca to abstain from alcohol forever or turning him into a future Bluto Blutarsky.

Luca asked why one girl was kissing three boys. And why they were all shouting. And why that boy fell down. I explained that they were drunk from drinking too much alcohol. Luca asked if I had ever been drunk.

“Never,” I lied.