Friday, April 14, 2017


Part of the military complex of hotels on our vacation included a “Dolphin Experience.” There were little brochures everywhere featuring a woman in a tiny bikini kissing a dolphin on the mouth. What exactly where they selling? Whatever it was, Elijah and Luca were not leaving Mexico without experiencing it.

I felt a little bad about signing up. Were we paying for a Black Water style torture chamber for nature’s most beautiful creatures? While convenient, the other attractions at the hotel complex were, at best, cruddy knock offs of the real thing. At the Benihana style restaurant, the “chef” nearly took of the head of a 10 year old tourist with a slippery cleaver.

I really didn’t get a chance to voice my concerns. Unless the Dolphin Experience included eating vegetables or reading a book, the boys were going.

We arrived at the giant pool and waited for our turn. I peered into the water and saw 4 dolphins in warm up mode. They slowly crossed back and forth, getting into the zone. They looked happy enough. But I couldn’t really tell since their mouths were always in that weird smile shape.

Eventually, our group was led to a little shallow lip of the pool and we met our dolphin friends. I immediately fell in love with Alex and Dolphin Whose Name I Can’t Remember (DWNICR). We got to scratch their bellies and hold their hands and learn factoids.

Diana broached the subject about how the dolphins arrived there and how they were treated. Our Dolphin Guide simply recited her pre planned speech from management: “What To Do When An Upper Middle Class Woman Starts In On The Sea World Stuff.”

At some point, Eli had to pee and I explained that we were currently getting covered in Dolphin urine, so he was welcome to give as well as he got. Diana opted to take Eli to the nearby restroom out of respect.

At last came the moment where I got to kiss the dolphin on the mouth like the three quarters naked women in the brochure. I think Alex was into it. And I believe he lingered on my kiss a little bit longer than everyone else.

Some of the other kids in our group paid extra to get dangerously dragged around the pool by the mammals, and Eli looked at me like a cheapskate. I reminded him that he was in a pool with a dolphin and there were children all over the world who would never get the same opportunity. He seemed satisfied when one of the other kids almost got ejected from the pool in his add on.

After we rinsed off the dolphin wee wee, they led us to the room where you got shaken down for overpriced snapshots. Diana, sensing my building anger, opted for the cheapest package, which only allowed pics of Luca and Eli.

I wandered back to the pool and looked down at Alex in the pool. I kind of wanted a memento of our embrace. But my cheapskate-ness had overruled.

When Diana emerged, she told me she had ponied up the extra money for photographic evidence of my bestiality and I was happy.

Now that we are back in the states, we have a lovely CD ROM of our adventure and no actual way of accessing the photos inside. That's why you get the above photo.

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