On Sunday, we packed up our camping tent, our sleeping bags,
our 3 Kindle Fires, our 3 iPhones and another couple electronic devices and
headed to Diana’s Dad’s place for some 3rd of July camping.
Don Jacklich lives a block or two away from the big “Eyes To
The Skies” carnival. Eyes To The Skies features a cavalcade of hot air balloons
intended to cram the air with goofy shapes and heated helium. In the past 11
years I’ve attended Eyes To The Skies, I have seen exactly zero hot air
balloons actually leave the ground. There is always some lame excuse like the
safety of the occupants. Diana’s brother dubbed the event “Lies To The Skies.”
But that never seems to deter Elijah and Luca. They are
there for the carnival rides, plain and simple. The boys have been inching
closer and closer to scary rides* over the last few years. But I was still
convinced they would stay in the kiddie area with the little cars that went in
a circle or the little boats that went in a circle.
Nope.
They wanted to ride “The Gravitron.” You’ve seen this thing
before. It’s a cylinder of sorts. Kids climb in and then it goes round and
round real fast and everyone gets pinned to the wall. This is a ride we had to wait to experience
as they hosed off the vomit.
I tried to convince them they were both much too short to
ride. Unfortunately for my lying, there was a little measuring thing right next
to the entrance that proved me wrong. I suggested this would be a great
opportunity for their mother to bond with them both. Sensing they would see me
vomit, they insisted I go.
Inside this monstrosity, I leaned up against the wall and a
teenager very politely asked the carney if it was okay to “go do tricks.” What?
What tricks?
The ride started and within seconds we were pinned to the
walls. I immediately thought I had died in a Gravitron related heart attack and
was currently occupying the fifth circle of Hell, also called “The Gravitron.”
Centrifugal force caused children’s faces to take on demonic grimaces. The teen
who wanted to “go do tricks” was suddenly upside down. Another kid was
horizontal, along the roof of the Gravitron, crawling around like a cargo short
wearing crab.
Deep from within me came an animal-like shriek. I screamed,
“I don’t want to be here! I want to go home! Please let me go home!” I also
could hear Eli and Luca screaming, but in utter pleasure.
As the ride drifted to a halt, my boys led the chorus of,
“Again! Again! Again!” I informed the ride operator that I would use every
penny of my vast Hamann fortune to sue him if he started it up again.
Instead, the boys went immediately to the end of the line
and rode The Gravitron again. Thankfully, they found riding without me to be
even more exciting. I clutched Diana, shaking like a leaf.
We had officially separated the men from the boys.
*A couple weeks ago, Luca rode “The Zipper” with our friends
Kitty and Joe. Right before the ride started, he soberly admitted he stepped in
dog poop once and didn’t tell anyone. He needed to clear his conscious before
what he assumed was certain death.
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