The Maybe Bully

There are two things in life that make me furious: Leaving the front door open when it’s minus two degrees out (Elijah!) and bullies.

I have no patience for them. I don’t care if you secretly are a sad little guy on the inside or if you have trouble at home. If you try to intimidate my sons, you will get a scowling of a lifetime. Oh, and I’ll scowl your parents too.  I’ll scowl them big time.

We’ve been a pretty bully free zone of late. Eli’s nemesis lost a lot of his powers due to an unfortunate pipsqueakness issue. It’s hard to be intimidating when you have to get on your tiptoes to reach the drinking fountain.

Imagine my disappointment to overhear Luca describing his own bully to Diana. What? No. Not Luca. Luca doesn’t get a bully. We already covered this in HamannEggs.

According to Luca, there is a boy who pushes him down at lunchtime. And who says things like, “I hate you.” And, “You are a stupid head.”

My immediate response was so very dad-like I couldn’t believe it came from my mouth. “Punch him in the nose. That’s what we Hamanns call ‘The Bully Cure.’”

No we don’t.

Diana had a much more subtle approach befitting a women who believes in non violence for everyone but Donald Trump. “Next time he’s mean to you, say, “Hi. Can we be friends?” Or, “Please don’t push me. That makes me upset.”

That’s where things got a little fishy. Every time we offered a solution, Luca claimed to have already tried it and failed. He already said the exact words “Hi. Can we be friends” and “Please don’t push me, that makes me upset.” He already told his teachers. He already befriended a Karate Master, learned Karate, entered a Karate tournament and used the Crane Kick to defeat him.

I asked Luca if maybe his bully was imaginary. A bully who lived in Lucaland who is part robot, part squid and works nights at the Death Star. But Luca insisted this nameless bully was real.

Last night while we were eating takeout, I asked Luca for an update on the bully. He looked at me blankly. Bully? Bully who? What’s a bully?

I reminded him of the pushing tormentor.

“Oh. I think he moved away. Yeah. I heard his mommy tell him, ‘You are going to a new school tomorrow.’”

Either way I don’t have to unsheathe my scowl.