A couple of weekends ago, my brother reveled over text that cousin Rory had contracted Lice. I chalked it up to the fact my brother employs Rory as a pickpocket in 1830’s London.
But Sunday morning my attitude changed.
I was downstairs playing Xbox, having convinced Diana I was doing the dishes while she was at Target with Elijah. Luca was upstairs writing thank you notes for his birthday. At least I think he was. I was playing Xbox, you see.
Our doorbell rang. Grover went bonkers. I begged Luca to answer the door. I was playing Xbox, you see. I then screamed at Luca to answer the door. I was playing Xbox, you see.
The doorbell rang again and I threw my controller down angrily. I swung the front door open with a “WHAT???”
Neighbor girls Callie and Lydie’s grandfather stood there, pretending not to have just heard me raise my voice at my son. I was about to explain I was playing Xbox, you see, but just smiled sheepishly.
“I hate to tell you this, but last night we treated Callie last night for lice. I thought you should know.”
I nodded solemnly, thanked him and slowly closed the door. I immediately raced upstairs and shouted, “We have lice! We have lice! We have lice!”
I began to rake my fingernails across my scalp, which had begun to itch tremendously. The last time this happened, I gouged deep scars into my scalp, which may be what was actually itching. But I was taking no chances.
I texted Diana “Buy lice medicine. Lots. No time to explain.”
I gathered Luca into my arms and shined a bright light onto my head with instructions to search for lice.
“What do dey look like?”
“Lice! They look like lice, Luca,” I snapped. He pushed my hair around a little and gave me a sad little look.
I contemplated shaving both our heads. That’s what they did in “Alien 3,” right?
Instead, I collected all our bedding and threw it into a pyre.
When Diana arrived home, she found Luca and I standing naked at the top of the stairs. I instructed she and Elijah to do the same. Eli happily obliged with no need for explanation.
Diana refused, citing some craziness about this happening before and me being a lunatic.
I said, “Fine. Enjoy your lice Megaplex on your head. Maybe the lice Donald Trump will build a tiny, tacky hotel in your bangs.”
Eli and Luca dutifully allowed me to cover us all in some really nasty chemicals. Some of which made my scalp burn and itch. That means it’s working. Like Selsun Blue.
Eventually we all showered and calmed down and I was left with finishing the 30 loads of laundry I started when the whole thing began.
Later, I apologized to Luca for yelling at him and putting him through all that fuss. He shrugged and said, “Do you want to play Xbox?”
Yes. Yes I did.